


Panda Wolves

by Anonymous



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive Splinter, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Asexuality, Bad Parent Splinter (TMNT), Brother Feels, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Brotherly Love, Childhood Memories, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Comfort, Dark, Dream worlds, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashback, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Healthy Coping Mechanisms, Heavy Angst, Hiding in Plain Sight, Hurt, Hurt Leonardo (TMNT), Hurt/Comfort, I took Keno from the second live action movie and made him Leo's therapist lmfao, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Injured Leonardo (TMNT), Leo Had A Bad Childhood, Mild Blood, Minor Injuries, Misunderstandings, Panda Wolf Donnie, Panda Wolf Mikey, Panda Wolf Raph, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Karai (TMNT), Protective Younger Siblings, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Self Esteem Issue, Supernatural Elements, TW: Splinter Grooming Leo, Therapist Keno, Therapy, Turtle Cuddle Piles, Turtle Tot Leo, dream walking, self hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:29:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25812832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: An encounter with an unworldly being changes the lives of four brothers. A curse is cast upon them but nothing changes. There are no injuries, or afflictions. Their tongues don't swell up, and their kidneys remain unpickled. Then they fall asleep. Raph, Mikey, and Donnie all have very similar dreams. Ones where they are huge black and white wolves in a mystical land. They can hunt and run around as kings of the forest. The dreams are vivid and they remember everything that happens with great detail after waking up. It only gets stranger when they find each other as wolves in this mystic land proving that they are experiencing a shared dream.Meanwhile Leo's dreams are blank, but he wakes up sore and cold with scratches, cuts, and bruises. The brothers struggle to find a reason why until during one of their shared dreams they come across Leo. Only he's not a wolf like them, he's a seven year old child who believes he's found a pack of Panda Wolves.The curse put them in this dream, but now they must find out why while also protecting Toddler Leo. But it isn't Toddler Leo who needs their protection; the damage has already been done, and the abuser is already dead. So how do they break the curse?
Comments: 41
Kudos: 109
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Night 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Major Character Death:** This takes place after Season 4 and before Season 5 of the 2012 show. Master Splinter has been dead for nearly a year at the start of this story. He is the only character death.
> 
>  **Rape/Non-con:** There are scenes in later chapters where Raph, Donnie, and Mikey view memories from Leo where Splinter is abusing him. While the sexual aspect is not described in detail, Leo's distress during these times are. If a child in distress upsets you, then this story isn't for you.
> 
>  **Underage:** Leo was being abused by Splinter as early as age 7, grooming started at an even younger age.

Raph leaned back against the wall next to Mikey. His eyes stayed glued to the mask knot on the back of Leo's head as he talked to Karai. To Leo's left Donnie was at the big kids table writing down everything important like a good little soldier.

If Raph had thought Master Splinter was a tough Sensei; his older brother Leo was even worse. Not only was he barking orders at them inside their home, but now he was doing it outside too. Raph felt suffocated from all sides and tonight was testing his already inverted fuse.

"Dude," Mikey whispered. "Check out Donnie, even he's barely suppressing a yawn."

Raph let his eyes unclip from the back of their leader's head to glance at Donnie. Sure enough he was discreetly trying to cover his mouth with his fist to let out micro yawns, but he obviously had a big one in the chamber.

Suddenly Karai and Leo stood up and gathered their maps and books into a neat pile while still talking, or flirting, or whatever. In Raph's opinion it was sort of fucked that Leo still had a crush on Karai. Raph and Mike straightened up as Donnie took advantage of Leo's turned back to yawn so big his jaw popped.

Leo gestured them forward with a curt hand wave because he was the big dog now and didn't even need to use words to boss them around. Karai and Leo walked ahead while Raph and Mikey hung back to walk with Donnie.

When they got into the parking garage of The Foot Clan Headquarters Donnie and Mikey headed towards the Party Wagon. Raph trailed behind noticing that Karai had pulled Leo off to the side and turned him away from them to say something. With their lips out of view Raph scowled. He watched as Leo nodded a few times while Karai spoke. Her hand was on his shoulder. She was rubbing circles into his skin with the pad of her thumb.

Raph did not know what was going on with them. If they were together, just friends, or casual fuck buddies. Sometimes Leo would leave The Lair to visit her but he would never talk in detail about it. He would only relay how Karai was doing and any relevant news from The Foot Clan. One thing was for sure that they had talked a lot more in private than they had while Master Splinter was alive.

Already tired of watching Karai touch Leo’s shoulder he turned to get into the back of the van with Mikey. Donnie had shotgun and they were just waiting for Leo to get done with his booty call before they could leave. He never brushed her hands away or recoiled from her touch. Hell, Raph had seen her give him a hug before and he couldn’t remember the last time Leo stomached that from one of his brothers.

Family first was apparently Master Splinter’s motto. Not Leo’s. Their new leader and Sensei was more than happy to throw out the things he didn’t agree with.

“Put your hard on away?” Raph asked as Leo got settled into the driver’s seat.

Leo paused midway through pulling his seatbelt over his plastron and Raph’s chest tightened for half a second thinking he might have actually gotten a rise from him.

Instead Leo clicked his seat belt and started the van with a blank expression. As if Raph’s words had been nothing.

“Last night Karai and Shini managed to catch sight of the ethereal being that has been picking up random citizens of New York City and then setting them down after a few moments. Using eye witnesses and Donnie's online reporting board we have mapped out its usual hunting grounds.” Leo reported all of this while steering down the winding ramp out of the parking garage and onto the street.

Raph and Mike gave each other unconcerned looks as he spoke. The ethereal being looked more like a floating ghost decoration little kids make out of a lollipop and a piece of white tissue paper. The only thing disconcerting was the dark blue mask it wore which was just a smooth oval with four slanted eye holes.

It was eerie to look at but it was far from the threat Leo and Don were treating it as. All the people who had been victimized by the thing reported being picked up, held out at arm’s length for about thirty second, then set down right back where they were abducted from. Some people reported feeling dizzy afterwards, but most were so eager to get away from it that they barely remember what they felt.

“And we’re gonna what?” Raph asked through the divider. “Capture it? Kill it?”

Leo shook his head. “We are going to talk to it. Karai believes it is looking for something or someone and that’s why it’s behaving this way.”

So? Raph groaned to himself. Why did he need to be on this mission? So far the thing was a non-threat and Raph was the last turtle on the planet to talk someone down.

Luckily Mikey was willing to say out loud what Raph didn’t want to bother arguing about. “I mean… but like why do we care? He isn’t hurting anyone.”

“It isn’t causing any damage but it is drawing attention. It used to just be stragglers and people walking alone at night. Now it’s getting bolder and coming out into more populated spaces. We don’t want the EPF to catch wind of this and swarm the city again,” Donnie explained.

“I know this is not the most exciting thing we’ve done,” Leo said as he slowed to a stop at a light. “But I need all of you to focus. The EPF will cause us a lot of trouble and I would rather we not have to pick up and stay at the farmhouse again.”

Mikey sank down in the back on the van. “I like the farmhouse,” he muttered under his breath.

Either Leo didn’t hear or he didn’t care about Mikey’s feelings. The youngest had been hinting for the past month that on the one year anniversary of their father’s death they should all journey back to North Hampton.

Leo always dismissed the idea.

“Hey,” Raph whispered. “You and me, we can go this year on my bike.”

Mikey’s face lit up at the idea which was enough to make Raph feel like he really wanted to. Mikey just had that effect on him. “What about-” he mouthed while pointing at the back of Donnie and Leo’s heads.

Raph shrugged. “Fuck ‘em,” he mouthed back with a smile.

* * *

Raph admitted things were pretty bad. The ethereal being had descended on a roof party and gave no shits about all the screaming humans. From a neighboring rooftop they watched and observed as long tentacles made of fog snaked down and around people. Lifting them up and holding them in the air for half a minute before setting them down.

Something in Raph’s stomach turned as he watched a young child get snagged by the ethereal being. It squirmed and thrashed with shrill screams. The sound was only broken up by the desperate cries of the child’s mother begging for her son back. Raph would have been off the roof had Leo’s hand not landed on his shoulder and pulled held him back.

“Wait until more people have cleared,” Leo ordered. His tone held no sympathy for the crying child. He only pointed to the crowd around the roof door. Everyone was pushing and shoving to get away. Some people were even being trampled.

With a growl Raph ripped his shoulder away from Leo, but like a good boy he stayed in his position.

The child was set down and his mother grabbed him. She hugged him tightly but didn’t move. She only used her body to shield him.

“What the fuck is she doing!?” Raph yelled a second before jumping off the roof.

“Raph!” Leo scolded, his fingertips barely brushed the back of Raph’s shell as he jumped down on the pool party.

As far as landings go it was rough. A lot of tables and chairs in inconvenient spots and he landed his right leading foot into the remains of a shattered bottle. He couldn’t stop to pick it out. He just gave his foot a good shake on his way to intercept the fog tentacles reaching out towards the woman.

He jumped over a table and flipped over the woman and child and was caught in midair.

As soon as the fog tentacle grabbed him he felt weightless. He was suddenly in space again floating uneasily. He struggled a little fearing that at any moment he would be dropped. An uncertain noise warbled from the back of his throat as his body flooded with heat.

The next thing he knew he was being gently placed on the stone tiled roof next to the pool.

“Hey! Over here!” Mikey yelled from the other side of the roof. He was spinning his nunchucks so that they clinked against the railing around the roof. The rattling drew the ethereal being away from Raph.

As soon as Donnie reached Raph he was checking his pulse and dusting his hands over his head. 

“Are you hurt, Raph? Did it hurt you?” he asked frantically, seconds from pulling his medpack off his back.

Raph pushed his brother’s hands away. “I’m fine, c’mon let’s help Mikey and Leo.”

Leo was already putting his katanas back on his shell as the fog monster floated over the pool towards him and Mikey. The plan was flawed from the start just as Raph feared. Leo wanted to negotiate with it believing for some idiotic reason that it might talk to them, but Raph could tell it wasn’t going to pan out.

"Please, we know you do not mean harm," Leo yelled as Raph and Donnie weaved between tables as fast as they could towards him. "We can talk this through."

He was crazy. Leo was standing on the edge of the pool reaching out toward the monster that picks people up.

It paused in front of Leo and cocked it's head side to side.

"Do you understand me?" Leo asked, hesitant as if he wasn’t so sure about his plan now.

Raph, Donnie, and Mikey were now a few feet behind Leo ready to jump into action when the tentacles snaked around Leo; under his arms and chest. As Leo was pulled forward his brothers stepped up, following him with their body and eyes until they were standing on the edge of the pool.

The ethereal being floated up and held Leo much closer to it than anyone else before.

"Finally," the being said. It's voice was a horrifying choir of one-hundred different voices all speaking in perfect unison. A chanting crowd. "I have found a challenge worthy of my power."

Leo began to struggle but while the fog tentacles could hold him like they were solid, his arms and hands went right through the fog in his struggle.

All three brothers watched with horror reflected in their eyes as Leo gasped and spasmed.

"Hamato Leonardo," the being bellowed over Leo's screaming. "May your scars be mended and your mind freed with this vow to heal your soul."

"What?" Mikey asked with his eyes still glued to the scene thirty feet above the pool.

Before they could answer the being exploded in a bright flash of light. For a second it was as bright on that roof as the middle of the day. It blinded them but Raph saw the spec of darkness fall against the flash. He dived into the pool at the same time Leo's limp body hit the surface.

It was impossible to see. It was like a flash bomb had gone off. He grabbed Leo blindly and swam up. Gasping for air while trying to keep them both afloat.

"Leo!" Raph sputtered while swimming towards where he believed the edge of the pool to be. His brother was limp and unresponsive in his grasp with his chin barely above the waterline.

Mikey and Donnie helped them up onto the stone. Their main concern was Leo. Donnie started checking their unconscious leader's airway and breathing. Raph still was having trouble with his vision. Large dark shadows floated on the surface of his eyeballs.

"Is he okay?" Raph asked, spitting out some sour tasting pool water.

"Yeah, but we need to get out of here. Now. That flash was huge. Everyone in the state saw it." Donnie began gathering Leo in his arms as he spoke. His voice was feverish and panicked.

Raph relaxed knowing most of Donnie's concern was about getting off the roof unseen. Leo would be okay once they got home.

Even if he was a major idiot for trying to talk that thing down.

* * *

During the drive back to The Lair Leo woke up. He had been out for ten minutes and was a little disoriented at first but was easily calmed down by Donnie.

Raph watched from the side lines in Donnie's lab while Leo was examined. It was mundane stuff. Donnie looked in his eyes, listened to his heart and lungs… the whole routine.

This was how Donnie reassures himself that everyone was okay. And it was something all three of them grumbled through. But Leo wasn't grumbling through it; he was staring at the floor and barely responding to Donnie's questions. 

Donnie gave Raph a concerned glance before turning back to Leo. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, touching Leo's shoulder gently.

That tore Leo out of his haze. He immediately flinched away like he always does when they touch him. He got up off the bed and stepped back cautiously. 

"I'm fine. I'm just tired. I think tonight has just… caught up with me." His voice was uneven and shaky.

The sound of that much uncertainty caught Raph off guard. It made his heart twist itself in a knot before he remembered how much of a cold jerk Leo was to them.

Donnie nodded and Leo quickly left the room. Raph pushed himself off the wall and walked over to Donnie with a scowl carved on his face.

"You think he's actually okay?" Raph asked, hiding any hint that he was actually worried.

Instead of answering him Donnie looked down at his desk. 

"Do you have any injuries?" He asked.

"I did," Raph said while shifting his weight from one foot to the next. "I stepped on some shattered glass-"

"And you've waited until just now to tell me?" Donnie asked. He pointed to the bed like Raph was Klunk chewing on their Bonsai trees. "Now!"

Raph rolled his eyes and pushed Donnie's arm down. "When that thing picked me up it healed my leg. I didn't notice until we got back."

"It healed your leg?" Donnie asked, perplexed by the idea. "But why? This is getting stranger and stranger."

“Way to sound disappointed that my foot ain’t full of glass,” Raph snorted.

Donnie glared at him for a split second before repacking his stethoscope in its protective bag. “You know that’s not what I meant. Look, no one knows anything about that creature but no one reports injuries afterwards. Now I’m wondering if we should be asking if people have a lack of injuries.”

Raph shook his head, “Whatever. More importantly why did it explode on Leo?”

Donnie shrugged. “At this point your guess is as good as mine. Just be glad none of us are hurt. I’ll keep an eye on Leo.”

Raph nodded and left the lab. Donnie was closer to Leo than any of them. Even though as far as Raph could tell Leo was just as hard on Donnie as he was on him and Mikey. Leo hated being touched. He hated any mentions of their father. He hated being called their Sensei but demanded the respect of the head of the house.

Quite frankly Raph was tired of it.

* * *

As Raph came down the stairs from his room later that night he heard the last bit of an argument taking place in the kitchen.

“You know that cheese is for Master Splinter, Mikey!”

‘This again?’ Raph thought.

As he pulled back the curtain he saw Leo hunched down in the fridge making a mess by throwing everything out of the fridge and onto the floor. Mikey was on the other side of the kitchen looking down and on the verge of crying.

This had only happened once before. About five months after Master Splinter’s passing, April had been unable to find Candian Aged Cheddar at the grocery store. They were out of stock and it was in no way April’s fault but Leo had had a complete meltdown over it.

It was unlike anything they had ever seen. Their usually very in control brother had screamed at April until she cried. He had said many vile things to her. Told her that she was disrespecting Master Splinter. That she could never do anything right for him. He insinuated that she was an outsider trying to deceive them. Among other equally crazy remarks.

None of it had made sense, and all three brothers had been horrified to see Leo act in such a way.

Donnie had tried to get Raph and Mikey to understand something about grief and that Leo was acting so harshly not because he actually blamed April, but because he thought he was hurting Master Splinter. Raph had scoffed and given Leo the cold shoulder until he made things right with April. She had forgiven him but she stopped getting groceries for them. Now Leo did the grocery shopping while wearing a trenchcoat.

Since then they always had a backup of Master Splinter's favorite cheese. To avoid a repeat of that incident with April.

“What’s going on?” Donnie asked as he entered the kitchen.

At this point Leo was on his knees in front of the fridge with most of the food on the floor. He was shaking violently. His whole body was shivering like the whole goddamn world was coming to an end over a slice of cheese.

Every night after dinner Leo prepared an offering for their father’s shrine. A cup of herbal tea and a slice of their father’s favorite cheese. For the first month while their grief was still raw they would join Leo in the offering and half hour meditation. Now, a year later only Leo was still doing it.

“I forgot that I used the back-up cheese for our pizza last night,” Mikey whimpered.

Raph moved to take the youngest out of the kitchen like he should have done with April all those months ago. 

“Come on,” Raph murmured. “Let Donnie handle it.”

Once they were in the living room Raph sat Mikey on the couch next to him. His little brother palmed tears out of his eyes and sniffled. It made Raph hate Leo even more. How heartless he was to make Mikey feel like shit when his only crime was using that cheese to make them dinner.

Mikey tucked in closer to Raph, burying his face into the front of his plastron. “I’m sorry,” he cried. “I forgot, I swear I just forgot.”

“It’s okay, Mikey.” Raph rubbed Mikey’s carapace. “It’s not that big of a deal. Leo just has Master Splinter’s staff up his ass.”

They sat there for a little while holding each other. Mikey calmed down by the time Donnie joined them.

“The fridge is put back together and Leo is in the Dojo,” Donnie said while sitting down next to Mikey. He placed a hand on the younger turtle’s back. “No harm done.”

Mikey nodded into Raph’s chest which only made him squeeze the turtle in his arms harder. Fuck Leo for being such a jerk.

“How’d you calm Leo down?” Raph asked.

Donnie shook his head. “I convinced him Master Splinter wouldn’t mind a cheat day. I filled a cereal bowl with Cheezy Ballz and placed that on the tray with his tea. Leo took it and left the room without a word so I guess it worked.”

“What the fuck is his problem?” Raph asked, curling his lip up as he glanced back at the closed Dojo doors.

“You know how close he was with Master Splinter,” Donnie sighed. “Leo is having a harder time accepting his death is all.”

“Yeah, and until he does he’s such a joy to live with,” Raph snarked.

Deep down inside Raph was jealous of how much attention Master Splinter always gave Leo. So many private lessons. Leo was praised a lot during training. They had tea together every night. Master Splinter would take Leo on trips to some place neither of them would talk about. Master Splinter would hug Leo more than any of them.

Their father never did a good job of hiding who his favorite son was. If anything he flaunted just how much of a better son he thought Leo was.

* * *

If Raph had one superpower it was his ability to sleep as soon as he laid down. It was like flipping a very convenient switch. Mikey said he had old man powers. The ability to just fall asleep wherever he pleased.

Raph of course had to wrestle him to make sure he never dared insinuate he was an old man. Ever. Again.

Tonight something was wrong. He was comfortable in his hammock but he just couldn't drift off to sleep. He used his foot to push off the wall and swing. The chains of his hammock groaned out just as frustrated as he was. He was getting more and more agitated as he approached the one hour mark.

Finally, just as he was about to nod off he heard someone slip on the staircase and grunt.

'Fuck it, I'm already awake,' Raph thought as he flipped out of his hammock. The chains clicked against the brick wall as he opened his door.

What he finds when he peeks out of his room is Leo crouched on the staircase. He wasn't moving, he was just staring down and mouthing something.

Just as Raph was about to take a step forward to see if it was his knee acting up, Leo stood up and finished walking up the stairs. He turned right towards the bathroom, turning his back on Raph. Probably unaware he was even being watched.

Raph hesitated. They all stumble sometimes. Ninjas weren't immune from getting worn out. Shaking his head he slipped back in his room and closed the door.

Now that Master Splinter was dead Leo had to get used to a lot less babying. Their father would always tuck Leo into bed. All the way up until months before The Shredder killed him but that was only because he could no longer walk up the stairs with ease.

It really rubbed Raph wrong that Leo never even acknowledged the special treatment he got from their father. He was spoiled with affection and now he was suffering without it. Why was Raph supposed to feel bad? What kind of half brained nonsense was that?

With his anger towards Leo restored he got back in his hammock.

About twenty more minutes of fidgeting later he was soundly asleep.

* * *

He woke up with a start. Leaves and pine needles slipping under his… paws.

Raph stared down at his black paws in shock. He lifted each one tentatively before placing them back down.

"I'm dreaming," he said out loud, expecting to wake up.

He didn't though.

For Raph whenever he realized he was dreaming that was when he'd wake up. There was no way for him to dream and be aware of it enough to control what he was doing. Donnie had a word for it because he had a lot of dreams that he could walk around and do things.

Raph looked around beginning to panic. The last time he was in a dream he couldn't wake up from it was because of the Dream Beavers. Was it possible they were back in the Dream Realm?

For a few minutes all Raph could do was sit awkwardly on his haunches and look around.

He was in some forest. Not like the one up around the farmhouse in North Hampton. This forest had huge redwood pines. Every tree was bigger around than two cars parked next to each other. The bark was an orange-red color. Deeper red ran into the grooves of the bark.

Raph looked up towards the canopy of leaves to see sunlight sparkling through. The forest floor was shaded though and cool. A breeze ran through Raph’s fur.

If he wasn’t a warm blooded mammal these temperatures wouldn’t be pleasant. It was chilly. He would imagine that as a turtle he would be feeling very lethargic.

When he stood his legs didn’t cooperate. They wobbled and shook and he was reminded of that video Mikey showed him of a baby giraffe standing up. The journey to gather his footing gave him an unintentional tour of his new body.

He was black and white. His front legs, chest, and upper back were black. His middle had a band of white that was slimmer over his back and wider around his belly. His back legs, butt and tail were black. Almost like he was wearing a pair of low riding black pants.

With some confusing relief he also made sure that he was indeed a boy dog.

As for his face he couldn’t know. His eyes caught some white around his neck but there was nothing reflective to look at himself with.

Raph also had no idea how large he was or wasn’t. The size of the trees didn’t help give him a sense of scale either. His paws were larger than a wolves and he had tough looking nails. He had a long tail that almost touched the forest floor while standing.

He twitched his ears and ran a paw over them. They were large and standing up like a German Shepherd's.

“What the fuck is going on,” he muttered.

There wasn’t a plan for this. What was he supposed to do if he was trapped in a dream?

Raph shook his head. “If I don’t wake up when my alarm goes off then I’ll wake up when Leo pounds on my door.” He talked out loud to combat the sense of loneliness settling over him.

He was completely alone. Sure he had gone out on his own all the time in New York but this was different. There was no home here and he wasn’t even Raph the mutant turtle.

It didn’t help that wherever he was he seemed to be on a very slight hill. Like a long groove in the terrain. The trees pointed up towards the sky but the ground tilted ever so slightly down. For as far as Raph could see there were only trees. He looked up the slant and there were more trees, he looked down and there were even more. The redwoods overlapped making a shifting wall of tree trunks that he couldn’t see through.

Swiveling around one last time he decided to go up. A vantage point would do him well.

* * *

After walking for what must have been an hour, he reached the peak of the hill. It was colder up there but the trees hadn’t thinned out at all. Raph used his ears in ways he didn’t know he could. Turning them and flexing them to pick up any noise. Any sign that there was someone else around him.

On the top of the hill he walked. Valleys sloped down on either side of him as he walked the high narrow path aimlessly. He didn’t know what he was looking for or where he was going. The longer he walked however… the more scared he grew.

Where were his brothers? Were they in this place too? Were they alone or together?

It was only as he started to grow tired that he realized something else. This whole time he had been convinced he was in a dream. What instead if he had wasted hours of energy walking when he should have looked for a food and water source?

What if this was permanent?

* * *

Raph woke up to a dead silent home. With a groan he turned his head to see it was ten in the morning.

They usually got up at eleven thirty.

Not Leo though. Leo’s alarm was set for ten. Who the hell knew what Leo did for an hour and a half before banging on their doors demanding they get up too.

Raph tried to fall asleep again but became restless. His mind wouldn’t quiet. He thought back to his dream about being a dog and chuckled. Of course it had been just a dream. Had he actually been concerned?

In the dark of his room he flexed and unflexed his hand. The phantom sensation of walking on the forest floor still radiated off his palms. It was so strange. He remembered walking around that huge forest with the same clarity he remembered the events of the day prior. Raph had never smelled a redwood tree before but now he was certain he had.

Shaking his head he got up out of his hammock and stretched. If he was rested enough that he couldn’t force himself back to sleep then he should get his day started. He walked over to Chompy’s tank and switched on the lamp. The alien tortoise was snuggled down in his hide but the heat lamp and UV light would tempt him to wake up.

He took Chompy’s water bowl and headed for the bathroom to get his precious pet some clean water only to find it occupied.

After standing there for a few minutes waiting, he knocked on the door. No one except for Leo should be up and by now it was almost eleven so he was probably meditating downstairs.

“Use the other bathroom.” Leo’s voice was quiet and strained. He sounded half awake too which was strange.

Raph groaned. “C’mon man, I don’t wanna have to go all the way downstairs to fill Chompy’s water bowl.”

It wasn’t even that going downstairs to the other bathroom was a chore, but it was tedious carrying a shallow container of water all through The Lair. Especially when there was a convenient source of water at the end of the hall.

“Dude, I’ll turn my head or something if you’re taking a shit I just need some- Erg!” he groaned thumping his forehead against the metal of the bathroom door.

There was no use in arguing this.

With Leo there was no sharing a bathroom. He liked his privacy and wouldn’t be caught dead taking a shower while someone else takes their morning meeting with the toilet. When Leo was in the bathroom it was _his bathroom_.

Raph never understood the big deal. They had nothing hanging out. They were freaking naked almost all the time yet Leo was weird about it. Like he was better than them or something. More modest and well behaved. It was that kind of stuck-up attitude that made Raph hate him.

Well, not hate him. But sometimes it wasn’t very easy living with the guy.

* * *

Everyone was up earlier than usual. Donnie had fallen asleep mid-project in his lab and Mikey had fallen asleep while playing Animal Crossing in his room. So now his game-thingy that Raph couldn’t be bothered to remember the name of was dead.

“Leo is still in the upstairs bathroom,” Mikey lamented as he plopped down in his seat at the kitchen table.

When their dear Sensei hadn’t shown up for breakfast at noon Mikey insisted on getting him. After all they only have French Toast on Fridays and it’s more work than eggs and toast even if those are still the two main ingredients. Raph stabbed his fluffy Americanized French cuisine irritably. Chompy purred into his ear slit begging for some of Raph’s breakfast but he feared giving the little feller the shits.

Donnie frowned, “Well it is the 14th of the month.”

At that Raph rolled his eyes. Leo had for the past seven month gotten serious with Karai. But they weren’t like normal couples who hung out whenever they wanted; they fucking had it on a schedule. The 14th and 28th of every month Leo would go over to Karai’s and they would spend the whole day together. It was weird and strange and Raph just did not get it at all. When Raph wanted to hang out with Casey he just did, he didn’t have appointments with him.

Why couldn’t Leo just be normal about it?

When Sensei Leonardo did join them, breakfast was almost over. Mikey and Donnie had already escaped to their own areas leaving Raph in the kitchen alone. 

Raph didn’t look up from feeding Chompy some cut up grapes when Leo entered. “What had you in the bathroom all morning?” Raph grunted. He was not going to hide how annoying that had been.

“I scratched myself in my sleep,” Leo mumbled.

When Raph looked up he saw Leo had done more than just scratch himself. His shoulders were littered in tiny cuts. There was a crimson slit under his left eye and his right eye was black and swollen.

“There’s no way you did all that in your sleep,” Raph said squinting. 

“Well I did!” Leo snapped.

Raph snorted. “Whatever man, if I sneaked out though you’d be screaming your head off.”

Still the idea of Leo sneaking out didn’t just upset Raph, it scared him. They never went out alone because there was no telling what could go wrong. Even Leo had to stop playing vigilante with Karai and Shini.

Those were dad’s rules though. Leo had different rules and they were supposed to follow.

Leo stood up with a snarl. “I don’t have to explain myself to you Raph. I told you the truth and if you choose to call me a liar then that’s your problem. Not mine."

Raph watched as Leo left the kitchen. The curtain swung behind him. If it had been a door Leo would have slammed it. Chompy nuzzled against Raph’s hand for more grapes.

With a strange feeling in his stomach he picked up another grape half. He wanted to go after Leo but at the same time… he could barely find the point.

Though he might talk to Donnie and Mikey about Leo’s solo mission to the surface. Maybe by the time he got back from his date with Karai they could stage some sort of confrontation.

Not that Raph really thought that would get them anywhere.


	2. Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo goes over to The Foot Clan's Headquarters for his therapy appointment with Dr. Keno. When his therapists suggests a family session to help get everything out in the open, Leo must decide if risking his brothers not believing him is worth the chance that he could heal.

Leo drove to the Foot Headquarters in a fog. He could not recall the drive there as he parked in the garage and shut off the engine. All he remembered was arguing with Raph and storming out. Which made him look so good and so put together. Raph definitely wouldn’t read into that.

He rubbed his eyes and cursed. He felt as miserable as he looked and now that he thought about it he hadn’t put his sheets in the wash before running out of The Lair so now he would have to sleep on crusty blood sheets. Spectacular.

Karai tapped her knuckles on the glass and Leo suddenly realized he had been sitting in the van for some time just thinking. He unlocked the door and Karai opened it the rest of the way.

She frowned and reached for his chin, but he blocked her hand and unbuckled his seat belt.

“You look like shit,” she said, giving him space but looking at his injuries so hard he could feel her eyeballs. “I thought you said you guys got out unharmed?”

Leo locked the door. They did get out unharmed and he was offended that Karai immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had lied to her.

“We did,” he said sharply. “I must have hit myself in my sleep. I don't know.”

He added the last part because he really didn’t know. He could have sleepwalked even though he never had before. But he had no idea why he was so scraped up. Even the roughest walls in their home didn’t do this.

“Alright, jeez…” Karai muttered.

They walked from the garage to the elevator in silence. Only the sound of Karai heels bouncing around the cement cave that was the parking garage could be heard. Leo started to feel like maybe he had been a little bit of an asshole just then.

“I guess I'm in a bad mood,” he said, dodging an actual apology and staring intently at the closing elevator doors. Karai pushed the button for the residential floor.

She hummed in agreement. “Well today is Therapy Day,” she said knowingly.

Leo hated Therapy Day. No, he didn’t hate it, it just wasn’t pleasant. Admittedly the twice monthly appointments helped, they just helped in the same way stitches did. It hurt to go through it, but when it was over and he was alone with his wrapped up wound and pain meds he knew it had been for the best.

He just needed the time after to realize he was grateful for the talk with Dr. Keno.

“I know,” Leo said, carefully lining up his next words. “But… something happened last night. I think I got set off when the ethereal being picked me up. One second I was outside the next I was…”

‘Reliving every private session with Master Splinter,’ he said in his head.

“Then it's a good thing you're talking to Keno today,” Karai cut in. She gave him a reassuring smile, well, as reassuring of a smile as Karai could give anyone. Shini was better at fluffing Leo before therapy, but Karai tried her best.

Leo didn’t exactly return the smile. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Come on,” Karai said when they reached the residential floor. “Let's get some lunch and get you some band aids for your face.”

“I'm not hungry,” Leo lied, feeling his stomach argue against such claims.

Karai didn’t buy Leo's perfectly crafted lie. “Yes you are, you just feel queasy about talking to Keno.”

They walked down the hall of the residential floor. This month the 14th fell on a weekday so all the Foot Soldiers were training or doing their actual jobs. Everything was calm and quiet, they entered the supply room where Karai gathered up some bandages and disinfectant.

Leo argued when she grabbed an ice pack too, but she insisted saying his eye would swell up.

“Here,” Karai said, handing the supplies to him. “We can clean you up in your room.”

“I’m injured and you’re making me carry this stuff?” Leo asked dryly.

“Shut up,” Karai said. “Big turtle, not hungry, and not hurt. You’ll shut up and let me put something over those cuts before you sit on any of my absorbent furniture or put on your clothes.”

Leo rolled his eyes but followed Karai to his room. She typed his code (2-9-9-9-7) into the keypad under the handle and opened the door.

The room was a little larger than his own room at The Lair and included it’s own bathroom and closet. There were two nightstands on each side of the bed, a desk in the corner of the room with a few of Leo's sketchbooks tucked away in the drawers. The bed was also queen sized and had a nice oak frame. A large bench sat at the end of the bed. It had drawers for storage.

Karai pointed to the bench and Leo sat down. She turned on the lights and turned on the air conditioner. After eating something and seeing Dr. Keno, Leo would be coming back to his room to decompress and it would be nice if that room was cool.

“I don't know if I am ready to tell Keno about it in detail,” Leo said, staying vague. Karai knew more than anyone but it was still embarrassing to talk about. “Some of the things my father did to me, even thinking about it makes my head hurt.”

She walked into the bathroom and put a washcloth under the tap. “You're worried about being able to get yourself under control before going home?” she asked. “Simple, stay until tomorrow.”

Leo toed the soft cream carpeting in front of the bench. These residential rooms were almost purposely made as soft and soothing as possible. The thick lavish carpeting, the slate grey walls and textured ceiling with inset lights.

Two fake windows were on the wall opposite the door on either side of the bed. They were flush with the ceiling and about one foot by two feet. They gave the feeling that they were in a basement guest room and the ground was just outside at the bottom of those windows.

Instead cream colored blinds blocked fake sunlight. If he pulled them up there was just a white sheet of glass with ultra violet lights behind it. It sometimes felt nice to bask in front of it, not that he would admit that to Karai.

“Every time I spend the night here my brothers think we have sex,” Leo said.

He feared she might confront them on that, which was unneeded. Brothers tease each other over a myriad of things. Leo was just particularly sensitive to the insinuation that his relationship with Karai had anything to do with sex.

“So?” Karai said, playing it down. She took his chin in her hand and held him steady while dabbing at the cut under his eye.

Leo didn’t wince, but it hurt. He closed his eyes. “So they rail on me. They make comments,” he explained. It was easier if he could just push everything down and go home before his brothers could get dirty comments in.

She then took a cotton swab and smeared some antibacterial ointment on if before rubbing it across his cut. “I know you don't want to hear it Leo, but if you told them-”

Leo grimaced and kept his eyes screwed shut. “Please Karai. Just, can we please not even talk about it?” he asked.

“Alright.”

Karai had been trying to convince him for months now to tell his brothers. Which was something she was suggesting because she didn’t really know what she was saying. Telling his brothers about Master Splinter’s conduct towards him would only cause issues. Why would they believe him? He had no evidence to show them.

Even worse there was something so violating about even more people knowing. Telling Karai had been hard enough, and there was no way she still looked at him the same. Not after he told her that he had had sex with his father. Now he was damaged.

Karai cleaned all his cuts and scrapes. Leo felt better afterwards, more put together. He put on his pair of black trousers, they were loose and had a tied belt. He paired it with another black shirt of the same loose and breathable material, tucking it into his pants to look half presentable.

He didn’t need to wear clothing to see Dr. Keno, but it made him feel better having some cover. One thing Leo hadn’t liked about his family was the lack of clothing they wore. When he was little he thought nothing of it.

When he grew older he couldn’t help but wonder if Master Splinter enjoyed them running around practically naked. Contorting themselves into seemingly innocent positions, standing on their hands and doing the splits.

Looking back it made him feel very conflicted. Clothing four growing children would be hard to do in his father’s situation. He couldn’t expect Master Splinter to provide that.

Karai fixed his shirt collar so it laid flat. All his clothing had to be altered to fit him. Thankfully Shini was able to do most of the adjustments, his forearms and wrists were much larger than a humans and were one of the bigger problem areas in clothing. Then had yet to figure out how to make pants look good on him, but Shini was determined.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I don’t know how long you can not tell your brothers about this,” Karai said as gently as she could but Leo could hear the strain in her voice.

Leo shook his head and smoothed his sleeves. A familiar weight settled in his chest and a prickly feeling clawed at his palms.

“You have a safe place to land if they don’t accept you.”

She added it like that was all it would entail. That he would tell his brothers about Master Splinter’s abuse and when they didn’t believe him, when they call him a liar, when they ask for the evidence he does not have, that it will be easy to pack a bag and cut them out of his life.

Things were not good with him and his brothers, but he knew his life would be so much worse without them.

Karai put her hand on his shoulder. “Remember to breathe.”

“I am breathing,” Leo hissed. He was breathing fine too, in and out rapidly just like any completely calm turtle would.

He pushed his gear to the side and sat back down on the bench with his head between his knees. Karai sat next to him and ran her hand up and down his shell careful to not stray any lower than the middle of his back.

“You cannot continue to bury your head in the sand, this will only continue to eat you up.”

“I did it again,” Leo admitted between huge gulps of air. “I lost it. I made Mikey cry.”

“Was it the cheese again?” Karai asked rubbing circles with the palm of her hand over his uppermost vertebral scute.

“It's always the stupid cheese!” Leo groaned while lifting his head. “I hate that cheese. His room smelled like it. And that damn tea!” he added with a snarl.

“Breathe,” she reminded him while pointing to the floor. “Did you yell at Mikey?

Leo put his head back between his knees. “No…” he said, trying to calm himself. “I just trashed the fridge.”

Not that trashing the fridge looked much better than having a meltdown on Mikey.

“Then that's progress.”

“Doesn't feel like progress,” Leo said bitterly.

He hadn’t even had the chance to say something to Mikey yet. He meant to, but it was hard to find the words.

It was hard to admit he was wrong to his little brother. He was their Sensei now, he was supposed to be the good example. Just like Master Splinter was.

“Well it is progress,” Karai stated. “It really is.”

Leo stayed quiet, his tiny panic attack had passed and the pins and needles in his hands were fading.

“You will always have a place here Leo. Always. And I want you to be able to call me whenever you need to,” she reminded him. “No matter where you are or what time it is you know I will find you and bring you here. I promise.”

Leo nodded but refused to look her in the eye. He didn’t like being a charity case, but he knew when his brothers found out he would have nowhere to go without Karai. He had burned his friendship with April to the ground during a breakdown. Casey was not up for guests let alone mutant turtle ones. Leatherhead was nice but Leo was sure Mikey would have a lot of issues with Leo staying with him.

As if Slash would let Leo join the Mutanimals anyway.

“Come on,” Karai said standing up and taking his hands. “Let’s go to the cafeteria.”

* * *

The cafeteria was meant to serve breakfast lunch and dinner to as many as one hundred Foot Soldiers at a time. Though most of them ate outside the facility under Karai’s leadership. The Shredder had been more strict about where the recruits were during their leisure hours.

“Shini is trying to make cloud eggs,” Karai said with three hair of annoyance and a sprinkle of confusion.

“What are cloud eggs?” Leo asked as he walked between the tables. A couple Foot Soldiers who had lingered from lunch elbowed each other in the ribs and pointed to him.

Leo looked away. He was kind of famous inside The Foot Clan. All his brothers were, but Leo had the added clout of being the one who killed Oroku Saki.

The loyal son… avenging his dead father and killing their clan’s enemy.

Karai sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I don't know Leo, she saw a picture and she made a high pitch noise and now I have to walk on eggshells.”

She forcefully threw the double doors of the kitchen open to reveal Shini bent over her phone watching some sort of tutorial. She was surrounded by used pans and empty egg cartons.

“You meant literally,” Leo said gesturing to the eggshells on the floor.

Karai rubbed the bottom of her shoe off on the floor. “I did,” she said. “Well, good luck getting breakfast.”

She started to leave and Leo did a double take between her and Shini. “Wait, you are leaving me here-”

“Leonardo!” Shini exclaimed, now noticing him. “Get over here and look at my egg.” She grabbed a plate and walked around the center island.

“Uh-”

“Like I said, good luck, I'll be back later-,” Karai said, backing away from Shini and her cloud egg. “I know. I am cheating on you today with some work but I will be back,” she said in response to Leo’s betrayed facial expression. “It is one meeting I am already five minutes late for. Eat a cloud egg.”

Leo slowly turned back to the demon holding a plate with a cloud egg on it three inches from his face.

“That doesn't look bad. Actually.” He took the plate and accompanying fork from Shini, shifting to hold his ice pack in the crook of his arm. A cloud egg was just scrambled egg whites with a soft poached yolk in the center.

Shini scoffed. “Doesn't look bad?” she asked, pointing a glittering fire orange nail at his plate. “Leo look! It is a yolk sitting on a fluffy cloud! Like the sun poking through a dreary day!”

Leo squinted at the cloud egg. “... I guess.”

“Hmmph!” Shini said, raising her chin in playful fashion. “Well you eat eggs raw so what do you know?”

Leo shook his head. “It's pretty Shini,” he said while cutting into it with his fork. “And, it tastes like an egg.”

She frowned, less than pleased with his review. “You want me to crack several eggs in a glass so you can drink them, don’t you?” she asked while getting a glass from the dishwasher. “Because you are nasty.”

“Yes, exactly Shini.”

She handed him a glass with six eggs, and grimaced as he guzzled them down.

“I get to walk you to therapy today,” Shini said.

“I do not need to be walked to therapy,” Leo reminded her, hoping against everything that she would continue to insist she escort him there. Normally it was Karai who walked him to Dr. Keno’s, and waited in the waiting room just in case, and then walked him back to his room.

And sat with him if he needed it.

“I know, but I'm still going to!” Shini said gleefully. “So, you want to help me clean up the kitchen when you're done with your breakfast?”

Leo suddenly wished he had taken his time drinking his eggs.

* * *

When your clan consists of young adults who were recruited from bad home lives; providing them with therapy is essential. One of the ways Karai reformed The Foot Clan was by hiring two therapists and a more specialized therapist after an unfortunate theme arose.

Several Foot Soldier were victims of Childhood Sexual Assault. Of course no one knew who they were exactly, not even Karai. That was between them and Dr. Keno.

Leo felt the raw eggs in his stomach gurgle. He passed his cold pack between his hands. If he held it to his eye Shini would see his hand shake and he didn’t want the concern. He always felt shaky waiting for the assistant to tell him it was time to head back towards the offices.

To keep patient privacy Dr. Keno’s, Dr. Baker’s, and Dr. Grey’s offices were all connected to one hallway leading to the waiting room. That way no one from the waiting room could see what office a patient went into. Not everyone who went in to see Dr. Keno was dealing with sexual assault, but Dr. Keno only saw those patients.

The waiting room was small and had nice cushioned chairs. There was a glass coffee table with a few pamphlets on it. Some were about mental health, others were specific to domestic violence.

There was one about sexual assault.

Leo kept his eyes away from that one.

When the phone rang behind the desk, Leo knew it was Dr. Keno calling to have Leo waved forward. His legs felt rubbery, he hated how anxious he would get before therapy.

“Leonardo,” Jillian said through the receptionist's window. “Dr. Keno will see you now.”

Leo stood up and so did Shini, she hugged him real tight, pinning his arms to his side. “You’ll be fine,” she assured him.

He couldn’t speak well, but he nodded and she released him. Hearing that helped a little. He nervously squished his cool pack in his hands while walking toward the door.

Dr. Keno’s office was tiny. Just enough room for his desk and couch. He was sitting in his chair waiting for Leo. He closed the door behind himself and sat down on the couch. Dr. Keno watched him with a big smile. He had perfectly done black hair held together with a lot of hair products. He was slim with an athletic build. He did dress a little like he was a chemistry teacher from the 1950’s but Leo was a giant turtle wearing clothes so he would never say anything.

If Leo remembered correctly from their earlier sessions, Dr. Keno was Filipino. Not that race mattered, but Leo had his hesitations about speaking to Japanese men. Dr. Keno being far from some of the defining things about Master Splinter definitely played a role in him opening up. Dr. Keno was young, happy, and never talked down to Leo.

“Good afternoon Leo,” Dr. Keno said, swiveling in his chair to give Leo his full undivided attention for the next hour. “How are you doing?”

Leo couldn’t fake it as well as he wanted. It was hard not to try to hide for just a little bit. He didn’t feel like himself sitting in front of Dr. Keno wearing clothes that weren’t his in a room he would have never seen himself in a year ago.

“I am okay.” He held his ice pack tightly. It was cold enough to make his hands cramp.

“And your brothers?” Dr. Keno asked.

He was always very good at leading into a conversation, letting Leo calm down from whatever anxiety he had gathered up beforehand. So he eagerly talked about Donnie’s new x-ray machine that he was mildly sure wouldn't give them cancer. He talked about Raph’s latest quilt that he thought no one knew about. And he talked about Mikey’s fantasy novel that he wanted Leo to illustrate. Leo would but he didn’t feel like he was that great at drawing.

“There is a little tension,” Leo admitted, now more comfortable.

Dr. Keno frowned. “Oh, regarding what?”

“It is going to be the one year anniversary of our father's death soon,” Leo explained. “Mikey really wants to go to the farmhouse to visit his grave.”

“And you don't want to?” Dr. Keno surmised.

Leo picked up his ice pack again. While talking about lighter things he had felt secure enough to put it to the side but now he needed to squish it some more. “It's not the grave, or his body being there,” Leo said on top of the quiet squelch-squelch of his plastic cool pack. “It's my brothers. They want to remember good things about our father and they keep asking about my private lessons with Master Splinter. I understand that they want stories so they can feel closer to our father but…”

In a cynical moment Leo had considered dropping it on them. Something horrible. Not the worst thing but he could tell them about being fingered. He could explain it was fine. Master Splinter said Senseis would usually choose one student to take on as a special protégé, and do things with them that were secret.

But Leo wouldn’t do that to them. That would be an asshole move.

Dr. Keno gave Leo a sympathetic look. “Is it possible for them to go and for you to stay behind?” he offered.

“They think I am being selfish by not sharing these lessons. Not going with them will be seen as an excuse.”

“Is that something they have said or something you are speculating?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo squished his ice pack, pushing all the cool gel into one corner before pressing it against his swollen black eye.

“What happened to your eye?” Dr. Keno asked.

“I hurt myself,” Leo said and regretted when he saw Dr. Keno’s eyebrows crease harder. “Not on purpose. I woke up with these. I don't know how else I could have gotten them unless I did them in my sleep.”

Dr. Keno grimaced. “Alright,” he said. “Those are some serious injuries to do to yourself in your sleep.”

Leo nodded. He was glad his clothes covered up the other scratches. He didn’t self harm though, and he didn’t really like that Dr. Keno jumped all the way to that conclusion. “It was a hard day,” he commented quietly.

“What happened?”

“Do you know about the ethereal being we have been tracking?” Leo asked. Because Dr. Keno worked mostly with Foot Soldiers Leo assumed he had heard from other patients about the current phenomenon. “Well,” Leo continued when Dr. Keno nodded. “Until last night it just seemed to pick people up and place them down, and last night it picked me up and my head hurt so bad. It was the worst flashback I've ever had. Uh…”

Leo pulled his ice pack away, now his eye was too cold and it was distracting him from explaining one of the worst parts of his flashback.

“It was when I developed a rash, around my…” Leo struggled to explain in detail. He often developed infections in his cloaca from his father’s lessons, but Dr. Keno was not familiar with his anatomical situation.

“Between your legs?” Dr. Keno guessed.

“Yes,” Leo said, since there was no better way to explain. “He was so apologetic. It made me feel good. I was just eight and for several days I got anything I wanted. Sleep. Television time. Treats. I got a lot of the attention that I liked from him and none of the weird things. I enjoyed it.”

“What did you father get?”

Leo shrugged. “I don't know what you mean.”

“Sounds to me like he got to make himself feel better about hurting you... while still continuing to hurt you,” Dr. Keno said, leaning back in his chair.

“Maybe,” Leo said, unwilling to argue for or against it. After all it was his fault, he should have known that his father was only doing that so he would continue to go along with the lessons. “I just, I hate myself so much. I never fought once.”

“You were young and you trusted your father to not abuse you. That is not something you can blame yourself for.”

Leo felt like that maybe applied up until a certain age. At some point he should have been old enough to say something, but he didn’t.

“I could have not drank the tea when I was older,” Leo admitted.

“What was this tea?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo put his ice pack over his forehead, a headache was blooming. “Some ancient blend of his…” Leo explained. “It tastes like cloves and- and cinnamon. It was hot too. Like wasabi hot. It would make my stomach cramp. I had ulcers and sores in my throat from it but my father had tea and remedies for that as well.”

‘Anything to keep me from going to Donnie,’ Leo thought cynically.

Almost all of Leo’s medical care was done by Master Splinter up until his injury. But by then Master Splinter had to stop his private lessons with Leo, so Donnie could take over Leo’s medical needs when they arose and find no evidence of private lessons.

“What did it do?”

Leo moved the ice pack to cover his eyes. “It would paralyze me- then he would-”

When he was little, Master Splinter could hold his tail back easier, but as Leo got older his tail became stronger and it became harder to counter Leo’s flinching. Paralyzing Leo made their lessons go smoother.

“That is awful Leo,” Dr. Keno said earnestly. “I am so sorry.”

He used the ice pack to try and dry his eyes. “I have that thing- where you wake up unable to move- sleep paralysis. And today when I woke up I couldn't move and he was standing over my bed-”

He pushed his face hard into the ice pack, he didn’t care about his tender swollen eye, he just wanted to stop crying. His throat started to feel tight and it felt like someone was injecting air into the base of his skull.

“Easy now,” Dr. Keno said. “Try to just take one really deep breath and hold it for a few seconds.”

He did as instructed, but his lungs were cut in half. His chest hurt and he felt sick to his stomach.

“Would you like me to call Karai in?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo nodded quickly. There had only been one other time that Karai had needed to come in, back during his first session when he was too hesitant of Dr. Keno to even speak.

Dr. Keno picked up his phone, Leo was breathing too hard to hear what he said exactly but a few moments later the door opened and closed and Karai was sitting next to him.

“Hey,” she said quietly. “I’m here, what’s going on?”

She touched his shoulder and when he dipped away from her she retracted her hand. Leo felt badly about flinching away from her, he wanted her there but hands were restricting and dangerous. Even the safe zones like his shoulder were off limits.

“I can't do it,” Leo croaked, using his sleeve to wipe his eyes. “I barely survived the funeral. But if I don't go then they'll think badly of me, but if- but if- If I tell them why I can't go they'll hate me.”

Before he could soak his other sleeve with more tears Karai handed him several tissues. He took them and then took her hand.

“Why will they hate you, Leo?” Dr. Keno asked.

“They won't believe me,” he explained. “Why would they?”

“They would Leo,” Karai countered from his right side, still holding his hand as tightly as he was holding her’s. “They would.”

“And what if they don't?” Leo asked. “What if they never talk to me again? I never told Master Splinter to stop. I don’t have any evidence of what he did to me. What if I am making it into a big deal? So what if my father raped- raped me? So what?”

There was a pause.

Dr. Keno leaned forward, Leo didn’t have to look up to confirm it, he heard his chair creak.

“Leo, did you hear what you just said?” he asked.

Leo looked to Dr. Keno and then Karai. They both looked almost relieved but he had no idea why.

“That is the first time I’ve ever heard you say it,” Dr. Keno said, nodding his head encouragingly.

“Master Splinter… raped me,” he said quietly.

“Yes, he did,” Dr. Keno said.

Leo swallowed the lump in his throat. “Master Splinter raped me,” he repeated firmer.

Karai squeezed his hand and Leo squeezed it back. Those four words almost felt good to say out loud.

“If I may suggest something,” Dr. Keno said. “It's not uncommon for this kind of news to be broken with a mediator. We could invite your brothers here for a family session.”

The good feeling started to crawl away at the idea of saying those four words to his brothers.

“It is also not uncommon for a parent to victimize more than one of their children. You might not be the only one who has been hurt,” Dr. Keno said.

Leo shook his head. He was the only one. Master Splinter told him he was the only one and all of his siblings seemed equally upset with the closeness of their relationship.

“Then why wouldn't they say anything?” Leo asked.

“The same reason you haven't,” Dr. Keno said. “Fear of alienation. Fear of abandonment.”

“Opening up to your brothers might give them the chance to open up as well,” Karai said quietly. “And even if you were your father’s only victim they would believe you. I know they would.”

Sometimes he felt strong, sometimes he felt disconnected enough to tell his brothers. But deep down he knew that would only last until they started to accuse him of lying. He had nightmares about his brothers calling him a liar and throwing him out of their lives. They were all he had, and maybe things weren’t always great between him and his siblings. But he still enjoyed them… from a distance. He didn’t really like all the touching they tried to include him in. The hugging and cuddling and piling up to sleep.

“How would it work?” Leo asked, not sure if this was a good idea. “What would happen if we did it? How would I tell them?”

He was certain he would freeze up if he was supposed to tell them.

“We could invite them here. You could write a letter to your brothers and I could read it to them. I could even help you get your thoughts down on paper,” Dr. Keno suggested.

Leo felt a wave of stomach cramps hit him. He let go of Karai’s hand so he could hug his middle.

“How about this,” Dr. Keno said, gathering up his notepad and plucking a pen from the mug on his desk. “Next week we meet with the intent of planning out from start to finish a meeting with your brothers. Between now and then you can start putting down what you want them to know.”

“I don’t want to tell them everything-,” Leo said quickly. “It’s gross, I’m gross.”

“Male rape victims often feel like they grant consent because their bodies react in certain ways during the assault. You do not need to go into details about how your body involuntarily reacted. It will be enough to tell your brothers that your father was sexually inappropriate with you and the details are not up for discussion or scrutiny.”

Leo averted his glance from Karai and Dr. Keno. Even if both of them knew about him being forced to ejaculate, and Master Splinter using it against him, it was still highly humiliating. And it was not something he wanted his brothers to ever think about.

“This hurts my head so much,” Leo complained. “They’ll never look at me the same way.”

‘They’ll never want to be near me either,’ he thought bitterly.

“Would you like Shini and I to be there too? It might even things out if there are three people in the room who already believe you,” Karai suggested.

Then again she was tactical and knew Leo didn’t like walking into situations where he was outnumbered.

“Would that put you more at ease Leo?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo swallowed, his stomach was burning. “I don’t know, I don’t know how any of this will end well.”

“Well, let’s do this. We’ll meet next week and talk about a group therapy session in more detail. We can go through some what if scenarios, we can roleplay through what your brothers might say, and we can lay out clear boundaries. Either way if things get too overwhelming I can take over the conversation.”

“Okay,” Leo said, more eager to agree and leave than to actually go through with this plan. He was being backed in a corner and he wanted to throw up and be alone for a while.

“And you aren't forced into this Leo,” Dr. Keno continued. “We can plan it out and if you become uncomfortable we can push the meeting back or never do it. Okay?”

“‘Kay,” Leo whispered.

“Come on, do you want to go back to your room?” Karai asked, standing up and waiting for him.

Leo quickly stood up, still holding his ice pack and used tissues. “Yes,” he said to Karai’s feet. “Thank you, Keno, for the talk,” he said towards the chair wheels.

“You’re welcome, Leo. I will see you next week,” Dr. Keno said as Karai opened the door.

They walked down the hallway and back into the waiting room, before Leo had to press his hand over his mouth.

“Are you going to be sick?” Karai asked.

Leo nodded before ducking into the unisex bathroom attached to the waiting room.

* * *

Mikey [Friday, 9:44:05 PM]

_I’m spending the night with LH._

Donnie [Friday, 9:44:58 PM]

_Use protection._

Raph [Friday, 9:50:30 PM]

_Listen to Donnie._

Mikey [Friday, 9:51:03 PM]

_You guys are gross. :(_

“Everything okay?” Shini asked, trying to peak over his shoulder at his phone.

Leo closed the screen before she could read anything. “Mikey is staying the night with Leatherhead.”

“Are they…?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t say anything. I’d be a hypocrit to tell any of my brothers who they should or shouldn’t have sex with,” Leo pointed out.

Shini twisted her mouth into a wiry line.

“Do you think I would be interested in sex if Master Splinter hadn’t been that way with me?” Leo asked while wiping the screen of his phone on his blankets.

They were sitting on Leo’s bed, the place he had hunkered down after being sick in the bathroom. He had his system after bad therapy appointments. Part of that system was layering himself in blankets and surrounding himself in heavy soft pillows.

His head still ached from therapy but it wasn’t so bad he had to stay laying down. He could sit up now and think about getting out of bed. Shini had brought him an orange jello cup and a glass of ice water at around seven and he still wasn’t very hungry. His stomach was cramped up, and the question he just asked her wasn’t helping.

“I think you are not the first person to ask if they were made a certain way because of a horrible event,” Shini said kindly.

“So am I really-”

“You should be wherever you are comfortable,” Shini interrupted. “And if the idea of sex with, well, with anyone, makes you uncomfortable, then you shouldn’t have sex.”

Leo stayed quiet. There was a word swimming between them. Asexuality. And Leo felt like everything he read about it fit him perfectly, the idea of sex where he was involved made him squirm. It was trying too hard to put a puzzle piece somewhere it didn’t belong.

He couldn’t help wondering if he would have fit somewhere had Master Splinter not bent him out of shape and ruined him.

“You own your body, okay?” Shini said.

“Okay, thanks Shini,” Leo said. “For the insight.”

She flopped back against the pillows and felt around for the remote. “What is even on TV at this hour on a Friday?”

Leo looked up at the guide Shini was thumbing. The flat screen TV mounted in front of his bed on the opposite was the only light in the room. Another reminder that it was late and Shini was getting tired. She and Karai didn’t sleep until ten in the morning like he did.

Shini tapped him with the remote. “Look, that British cooking show is on.”

Leo read the description. “I have seen that season.”

“Who wins?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Uhg, you suck and I hate you.”

“Who sucks?” Karai asked as she came through the door with a plastic bag.

Shini immediately jumped off the bed. “Finally!” she said, taking the bag from Karai.

Karai locked the door and kicked her shoes off, she came around to Leo’s side of the bed and sat down. “You feeling okay?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Leo lied.

He felt dread more than anything. Around midnight he would need to head home when he really would rather do anything else.

She didn’t press it, probably because Leo moved his pillows in closer. Not to protect himself or anything, just because he suddenly needed the pillows right next to him.

“Leo, do you want Lemon Cake or Blueberry Crumble first?” Shini asked, crouching next to the mini fridge. Another thing that separated his room at The Foot Clan’s Headquarters and the one in The Lair.

Leo’s Therapy Day routine involved resting and relaxation. Shini and Karai had for the past seven month added binging on Halo Top ice cream to that.

He wasn’t complaining. It was a very welcomed addition to sit in bed with his best friends and eat ice cream while watching whatever happened to be on TV.

“Lemon Cake,” Leo said, watching Shini put the other one in the fridge for round two. She sat Lemon Cake next to Karai’s favorite flavor Pistachio and her favorite flavor Birthday Cake.

Karai smushed herself onto the middle of the bed and propped up against the headboard. “Oh I’ve seen this season,” she said while turning up the volume.

“Who wins?” Shini asked, crawling on the bed. She handed the appropriate Halo Tops to them along with spoons and napkins before propping herself against the headboard next to Karai.

Leo quietly thumbed a text to his brothers.

Leo [Friday, 10:09:10 PM] [sent] [seen]

_Be safe Mikey. I am staying overnight at Karai’s. See you three tomorrow. Goodnight._

He then put his phone on silent and leaned over to plug it into his charger. He would deal with any comments about it in the morning. Looking at things logically if he was going to have another bout of anxiety he would rather do it here than at home. He didn’t feel like leaving in two hours. He felt like eating low calories ice cream and sleeping as hard as he physically could.

“I’m not telling you,” Karai said as she peeled the foil seal off her pint of ice cream. “Then it’s not fun.”

“But if you don’t tell me, I may pick someone who gets voted off as my favorite,” Shini complained.

She ended up picking Michael who would be voted off at the end of episode three. Karai and Leo said nothing though.

With chalky icecream in hand, they ate and watched their baking show. Leo had always been very grateful that Shini and Karai never treated him differently after finding out about Master Splinter. They remained a good trio of friends, even when they weren't lighting things on fire.

He didn’t know if he would still be around if it hadn’t been for Karai and Shini. Just having two people know helped so much, having people that he could ask for a second opinion. It kept him from circling the drain endlessly not knowing if he was going to get pulled under or plucked out just in time.

He knew that even if his brothers disowned him Karai and Shini wouldn't let him drown, and sometimes that was the single comforting thought that let him fall asleep at night.


	3. Night 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey passes out while swimming with Leatherhead. Now all his older brothers are swarming the Mighty Mutanimal's Base to find out what happened. Too bad he really doesn't know. But he did have that dream about being a dog again, so that was cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( _ **A/N:** Small error fixed between Chapter 1 and 2, In Chapter 1 I said it was Friday, and in Chapter 2 it is Wednesday, now Chapter 2 takes place on Friday too. Sorry for any confusion._)

Leatherhead was nineteen and a half. Mikey was seventeen, ten months, and three weeks. His brothers joked about sex but Mikey was planning on waiting until he was eighteen. Master Splinter had passed on but when they were little he stressed that they should wait until they were legal adults before having sex.

Back then Mikey thought he would never need to worry about such things. No twelve year old imagines themselves falling in love with a male mutant alligator.

Now Mikey was no fool, he was pretty damn certain Casey and Raph had done the deed. Donnie was getting steadily more hands on with April but they were taking things slow.

Leo...

Leo was not having sex. Having sex involved being touched and Leo despised physical contact. The dude would literally flinch away from them like he was getting burned. And he even did it with Karai and Shini. Just not as much as he did it with them.

Not that Mikey was jaded or anything but Shini and Karai barely knew Leo and they got to sit right next to him anytime they wanted. And it was thighs-next-to-thighs kind of sitting. Mikey had looked to confirm, there was no space between Shini, Karai, and Leo when they sat on a bench or couch together. And Leo was usually in the middle, right between them. They got to be in his bubble, his personal space bubble without him acting like they were going to hold him down and punch him.

It used to be fun to mess with Leo’s space bubble, to tickle him and tackle him. Mikey was ten when he heard Leo breathing hard in the bathroom after rough housing with him, so he stopped playing those kinds of pranks. Now he stuck to water balloons and whoopee cushions. Stuff that can be done from across the room.

Pranks are fun. Making Leo have a hard breathing episode isn’t.

Mikey loved getting hugged and tackled. He loved being under the pile, he loved being someone’s pillow. Physical contact was his life line.

It was Leatherhead’s too.

Guess that’s what happens to mutants who grow up in labs. Mikey had to teach Leatherhead what a hug was, the dude did not grasp the concept at first but was a quick learner so they started hugging a lot.

Then Mikey started developing very confusing thoughts about Leatherhead. Ones that made his tail quiver. Ones that visited him during his alone time. That was the shortened version of how they ended up here, almost counting down the days until Mikey was eighteen and they could find out what comes after hugging and kissing.

Mikey was really nervous. He was excited too… but he was mostly scared. Sex was a big step. It was important to only do it with someone you love.

Master Splinter always stressed that.

At least Mikey knew he loved Leatherhead. Yeah, the big mutated alligator was a pretty awesome boyfriend.

Leatherhead was also a great swimmer. A really fast swimmer. He had those webbed hands and feet that made for awesome hugs and back rubs but also killer acceleration underwater. Yeah, sure, feeling the wind on his face was great, but the rush of flying through water just didn’t compare.

Mikey was enjoying their current activity of swimming around the deep immersion pool at the Mighty Mutanimals Base. The game was simply to hold on while Leatherhead swam like a mad alligator. Death rolling every which way.

It was hard to hold on, it was like being on a rock climbing wall that got tossed out the back of an airplane, but it was so much fun. Mikey could swim for hours with Leatherhead. That’s what Mikey despised about those TV couples. Romantic dinners? Long walks on the beach?

Boring with a capital B and a lowercase o and a lowercase r and- well you get the idea.

Mikey needed energy. He needed to do something. Movies and snacking were for when they were too tired from all the other cool stuff like tag and capture the flag and VR video games or laser tag-

Laser tag would be awesome!

That was the last thought he had before his grip on Leatherhead’s osteoderms loosened and his vision faded to black.

* * *

In a breezy field Mikey the Forest Dog sprang to life. Which was the best thing ever because Mikey had this dream last night and he was in the middle of rolling around in this lush field when he woke up which wasn’t cool at all. Mikey never has super lucid dreams like that and he even did all the stuff Donnie told him to.

For a second Mikey just listened to the wind. It was fun last time because it was a dream… and you wake up from dreams. Now he was back and it was like a direct continuation. Even that cloud that looked like a stick of deodorant from last time was still hanging around.

The wind rustled his fur. His white fur. A little green in places from where he had been rolling around in the grass, but originally he had been just white and black.

Mikey thought he looked like a really awesome dog. He almost asked Leo to draw him when he woke up because the dog version of himself looked wicked awesome. Then he remembered that not so awesome fight they had and decided it would probably be best to stay away from Leo.

Mikey had a white belly, back, and sides. His front legs were super black. Dipped in printer ink kind of black. So was his chest and sort of behind his neck. He had no idea what his face looked like. His hind legs were also black. Mikey thought it made him look like a dog wearing some black pants. He had a long fluffy tail that was white and fun to chase.

He had now idea what kind of dog or wolf he was. He felt pretty big but he had nothing to base his size on.

The only thing Mikey knew now was that he was somehow back in this dream. He couldn't even remember falling asleep, or getting ready for bed.

"Alright…" Mikey half laughed. "This is cool and all brain, but uh, I think i should wake up now."

Of course that didn't work.

Yesterday he woke up at ten in the freaking morning for no reason. Leo is the only one crazy enough to be up at ten in the morning. Mikey needed his beauty sleep though, waking up at ten was just not right. It broke laws and war treaties.

Mikey walked in a circle for a second. Everything felt so real it was freaking him out. He pawed at the grass, combing it with his nails. Uhg. So weird feeling! Was this his brain just guessing what this kind of thick lush grass would feel like?

* * *

Mikey's lungs burned. The first thing he did was twist his body away from whoever was holding him so he could cough. His head hurt too, like when you breathe in pool water. Which was exactly what he had done.

"Michelangelo I am so sorry, I am so sorry," Leatherhead said, his voice cracking.

'Sorry for what?' Mikey wondered, still choking.

"I hit the emergency button like you said big dude," Mondo hollered, holding Mikey's phone in his hand as he ran up to the edge of the pool. "Brothers are on the way."

Mikey kept coughing. He had sucked in a lot of pool water and there was nothing Mondo or Leatherhead could do but watch him hack it all up. Leatherhead had his big webbed hands hovering above Mikey, too nervous to touch him. Likely thinking he had done enough harm already.

"I was holding onto you fine," Mikey said between smaller coughs. "I think I just passed out?"

Mondo came over and grabbed Mikey's head. "I don't see any bumps man, does it hurt when I do this?" He asked, while rubbing his fingers into Mikey's scalp.

Mikey pushed Mondo's hands away. "No, feels like a bad head massage," he said. His voice sounded scratchy and raw.

"That is not good Michelangelo," Leatherhead said.

"Maybe you should see Dr. Rockwell?" Mondo suggested. "I could go get him."

As much as Mikey hated the idea, he also knew randomly passing out was a bad sign.

“You think there is something wrong with me?" Mikey asked, looking up at Leatherhead. "Am I dying?"

Oh god he was dying. He had seen enough movies to know that random passing out was like a symptom of a terminal illness. Panic swept over him and he whimpered under his breath. He didn't want to die, he was too young and he would miss his brothers and-

Leatherhead picked him up and hugged him. They were both sopping wet still from the pool. "You are not dying," he rumbled.

"Yeah it could be like blood sugar or something!" Mondo said. "Maybe you just need a snack."

Mikey's eyes lit up. "Well, I guess I am hungry…" he said. He chose to forget the fact that he was always hungry.

* * *

Rockwell took his blood which Mikey hated. Personally if he had to rate his blood stealing experiences then Donnie was the best at it, like number one. He always found the vein on the first go like a vein seeking missile. Not Rockwell though, Rockwell poked him a million times trying to get blood.

After being subjected to Rockwell's abuse Mikey was told to eat something not full of sugar and to drink some water. In the name of health Mikey used the Mighty Mutanimal's communal kitchen to slice up two apples and get a saucer with peanut butter.

Apples were fruit, and fruit was like the cousin of a vegetable. Peanuts came from a plant too; they were probably full of health. The butter made sure the snack wasn't too healthy though. Mikey didn't want to overdose on too much health, it would shock his system.

Leatherhead was still super guilty about him passing out. He was treating Mikey like glass which sucked, he really wouldn't mind alligator snuggles until his brothers arrived. Sure he was okay now but who knows, he could still be dying. The jury was still out on that one.

Mikey scooted over closer to his boyfriend. They were hanging out in the kitchen while Mikey ate his very healthy snack, but Leatherhead was keeping space between them. He was hunched down like he was trying to be as small as possible.

That doesn't really work when you're a huge mutant alligator but man was Leatherhead trying.

It was physically painful for Mikey to have another person he loves shrink away. It erupted this sense of urgency in his chest to quickly grab Leatherhead before he could leave.

"You want some of my snack?" Mikey offered.

Leatherhead shook his head. "I am okay, you should eat."

"I am eating," Mikey said cheerfully, even though he felt the waves of guilt and self loathing spilling out of Leatherhead's soul.

And so they sat somewhat distanced from each other with only the hum of the refrigerator to keep the deafening silence at bay.

Donnie arrived first. He arrived calm and serious. He entered the kitchen area swiftly and set his medical bag down next to Mikey’s plate. That was when Leatherhead left silently.

"Are you sure you didn't hit your head?" Donnie asked, gently palpitating Mikey's skull.

"I'm positive," Mikey said. "I just passed out."

"Underwater," Donnie added, feeling the back of Mikey's neck and running his fingers on each side of his spine up until the point where it fused into his shell.

Mikey looked away. "Well I didn't mean to pass out," he said.

Donnie sighed and held Mikey's shoulders. "You weren't fasting again were you?"

"No," Mikey said a little too quickly even though he was telling the truth. "Me and Leatherhead had lasagna and then we went swimming and I felt fine. Completely fine… right until I passed out."

Donnie was looking him dead in the eye, trying to figure out if he was really telling the truth. "You're staying in the infirmary tonight-"

"Noooooo," Mikey whined. "It sucks in there!"

"You nearly drowned," Donnie scolded. "You're staying in the infirmary tonight."

"Uhhhg, I'll die of boredom!" Mikey clutched his chest, "I can feel it now. I'm having a boredom attack!" He fell off his chair dramatically and rolled around on the floor.

An unamused Donnie stood above him with his arms crossed. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something then paused. "Wait, what time exactly did you pass out?"

Mikey stopped rolling around and sat up. "I don't know, I think Leatherhead told Rockwell but I was still coughing and I had all this snot coming out of my nose. The long stringy kind too where you can kind of pull on it like a piece of spaghetti only stretchier-"

"Yes yes yes, that's a wonderful description Mikey," he said pinching his eyes shut, "I ask because according to Metalhead I fell asleep at my desk and was unresponsive to his wake up protocol."

Mikey stared up at Donnie, and a little past him too. "Wake up protocol?"

"Well see last night I was in the middle of some time sensitive experiments. I had some mixtures on burners. I apparently was really tired because I woke up on my lab floor with crusty useless gunk in the bottom of my beakers. So tonight I gave Metalhead permission to wake me up so I didn't have to start my experiments over again."

"Why did you spend all day teaching Metalhead to keep you up all night so you could do experiments at night... when you could have done them during the day and then gone to bed at night?" Mikey asked. "Isn't that a little redundant?"

Donnie frowned and raised a finger then lowered it again.

Raph burst into the kitchen area and zeroed in on Mikey. “Are you okay?” he asked, frantically pulling Mikey into a tight bear hug right off the floor.

All the air that was ever in Mikey’s lungs was squeezed out. This is what a stress toy probably feels like moments before it’s popped. “Hhhhh,” was all Mikey could say with the wind rushing out of his mouth.

“He looks okay for now, but he’s spending the night in the infirmary,” Donnie said while packing up his med bag. “Did you talk to Leo?”

Raph nodded while suffocating Mikey. “Yeah, he’s bringing the van.”

“Good, good. I am going to talk to Rockwell, when Leo gets here we’ll go home,” Donnie said and then left.

Mikey squirmed out of Raph’s iron grip. “Sorry for ruining your guy’s nights,” he said.

Raph helped him stand up. “I’m just glad you’re okay, Mikey.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course,” Raph said. “So uh… you use protection?” he asked with a cheeky grin.

“I told you I’m waiting until I’m eighteen,” Mikey said. “Unlike some turtles,” he added with a dash of judgement, eyeing Raph from his feet wrappings to his mask.

Raph rolled his eyes, “Oh come off it Mikey. The three of us are having sex, the wait until your eighteen bullshit is for puritans.”

“Master Splinter said-”

“Well Master Splinter ain’t here no more,” Raph interrupted just as Leo came in the room behind him. “And Leo can’t say shit about it either because he’s seventeen too and you know he’s having sex with Karai.”

Mikey opened his mouth, his eyes locked with Leo’s. “Raph-”

“No, he’s out there with a goddamn fucking schedule. Dude is getting laid at a regular pace and he’s still a complete and total asshole to us. That’s the wise Sensei that Splinter dropped on us. For fuck sake did he even apologize to you before he ran off to plunge his face into Karai’s cleavage? Trust me, Master Splinter ain’t gonna be looking down at the three of us disappointed because we didn’t wait until we were legal adults to have sex.”

Leo slowly backed up until he was around the corner. The way his face had broken before he was completely out of sight scared Mikey.

“Raph!”

“What?” he asked, following Mikey’s twisted up line of sight to look behind him. He turned back and closed his eyes in regret. “Leo was behind me.”

“Yeah,” Mikey said. “Was.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

Raph opened his eyes and pursed his lips. “I didn’t mean- I was just- that talk was just supposed to be between us. I’d never say that to his face.”

“I know,” Mikey said, feeling his throat constrict. “But he heard it, and I’ll admit, kind of feels like maybe you are holding on to a lot of resentment.”

“All those private lessons,” Raph said with disgust. “Master Splinter said he was leaving Leo with years worth of lessons for us.”

Mikey winced. They had all pestered Leo for those lessons, but Leo continued to make his own lessons for them and never had a very good excuse as to why they could at least see the stuff Master Splinter left for them. They were all Master Splinter’s sons but Leo was _the son._ The one Master Splinter invested most of his time into apparently to make sure they would survive long after his death.

But Mikey felt like the rift between them and Leo got wider and wider every single day.

“Come on you two,” Donnie said coming into the kitchen. “Leo’s in the van ready to drive us home.”

Raph took a deep breath. “I’ll take the passenger’s seat. The doctor should stay with his patient, you know?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” Donnie said, slightly confused. “He’s not in critical condition but if it makes you feel better Mikey I’ll sit in the back with you.”

“Thanks D!” Mikey said brightly as he could given what just happened. “Can I invite Leatherhead to stay the night with me?”

Donnie raised one of his eye ridges. “You still have to stay in the infirmary tonight.”

“I know,” Mikey said, a little bummed that Donnie was still firm on that. “So can he come?”

“He won’t fit in the van,” Raph reminded him.

Mikey ignored him, Leatherhead normally walked to The Lair. “Okay I’ll invite him and then we can go home,” he said running off to Leatherhead’s room.

It was on the bottom floor of the warehouse. He entered without knocking knowing Leatherhead would be too guilt ridden to respond or open the door. Sure enough his boyfriend was curled up in the corner of his room in a nest of blankets.

“Hey, you wanna come to The Lair tonight?” Mikey asked while running his hand down the bookshelves that lined one wall of Leatherhead’s room. “Stay the night, maybe most of tomorrow?”

Leatherhead turned around with a sad grimace. “Is that okay with your brothers?”

Mikey batted his hand. “Totally.”

His brothers loved Leatherhead, if they didn’t they were doing a very good job at pretending they did. Still Leatherhead looked like he had been kicked repeatedly, which he had in a way by mentally kicking himself.

Mikey dropped the hyper-happy demeanor and squatted down in front of Leatherhead.

“They don’t blame you for me passing out,” Mikey said, resting his hand on the end of Leatherhead’s snout.

“I am very sorry,” Leatherhead said, drawing away from Mikey’s hand.

Mikey let his hand fall to his side. “Dude, why?”

“I often wonder if this will work out between us, or if I am too big for something as small and fragile as you.”

“Hey! I’m not small! Or fragile!” Mikey said, only slightly offended.

Though as Mikey said it one fear did sit heavily on his chest. The fear of sex. There wasn’t anything on Mikey that was very exposed, he was very tucked away. It is easy to be brave about being around Leatherhead when the most delicate part of himself was nowhere to be found.

And Mikey’s imagination ran wild, but it was ultimately poisoned by a fear that he could never voice. Leatherhead was teeth and claws and rough edges. He was ten times stronger than Mikey and so much bigger. Sex with Leatherhead scared Mikey as much as it enticed him.

Still squatted down he took a deep breath. “You’ve never hurt me, and you didn’t hurt me today,” he said more gently, with a softer voice that made Leatherhead close his eyes.

The alligator curled further into himself.

“Please?” Mikey asked. Now he felt bad about passing out because passing out made Leatherhead blame himself.

“I think it is best if I stay here.”

Mikey stood up and left quickly, letting the door to Leatherhead’s room fall shut behind him as he nearly ran to the Party Wagon.

He yanked the back doors of the van open and slammed them shut behind him. He sat down next to Donnie and pulled his knees to his chest.

Donnie gave him an alarmed look, “Is Leatherhead-”

Donnie promptly dropped the question when Mikey buried his face into the top of his knees. He instead put his arm around Mikey’s shell and sighed. “Let’s go home.”

* * *

After Donnie did all the things Rockwell did, Mikey was left with another bandage on his arm and a sour mood to match.

The car ride back to The Lair gave Mikey ample time to forgive Leatherhead for staying behind. Things were pretty tense around The Lair with Raph and Leo butting heads, asking Leatherhead to be around while that was going on wouldn’t be considerate.

When Leo peaked into the infirmary, Mikey singled him out.

“Hey Leo, tell Donnie I don’t need to stay in here all night,” he complained, flopping back against his pillows, ignoring the glare Donnie threw him from his desk.

Leo walked in but shook his head. “Sorry little brother, doctor’s orders.”

“Speaking of that,” Donnie said, narrowing in on Leo as he stepped away from his desk. “I want to look at these-”

Leo flinched away, pulling his head into his shell slightly while blocking Donnie’s hand. Donnie pulled away with an irritated grimace, staring down the shorter turtle for avoiding medical attention.

“Karai looked at them,” Leo said shortly.

“Well Karai isn’t me,” Donnie stressed, not hiding his possessiveness tonight.

Mikey looked between his brothers, ready to crack a joke if they didn’t drop it.

“Donatello,” Leo said sternly, giving off a major “don't touch me” vibe.

But Leo was always like that after his standing dates with Karai, and Donnie was on high injury alert because Mikey passed out. So it was tricky and bad timing and left Mikey feeling really uncomfortable just watching this.

“Fine.” Donnie walked out of the infirmary. “I can’t handle two idiots tonight.”

Leo sighed, his shoulders dropping as soon as Donnie was out of sight.

“You should let Donnie check you over Leo, he’s really gentle and it never hurts at all,” Mikey said.

A glared flashed over Leo’s face before he paused and reconsidered. “I know Mikey, it’s not that simple.”

“Why not?” Mikey asked, tilting his head and playing the village idiot. Unassuming and innocent.

“Look,” Leo started as he came to sit on the edge of Mikey’s bed. “Uh, I wanted to apologize to you.”

Mikey hummed. “Oh, whatever for?” he asked cheerfully. “It has been so long I forgot what happened.”

He had not forgotten in the slightest, but waiting over twenty four hours for an apology meant he didn’t feel guilty about making Leo work for forgiveness.

Leo winced. “I was going to apologize to you this morning but-”

“You got into a fight with Raph.”

“Yes,” Leo admitted. “And I stormed out of here. I am sorry for what I did, I am still working on trying to reel in my compulsivities towards Master Splinter’s offerings. Last night is proof that I still have... a lot to work through.”

Mikey stared at his older brother.

Leo was making it really hard to hold a grudge when that was like the most sincere apology he had ever heard from him. And he hadn’t even been able to record it. Seriously, they needed to mark this day on the calendar; Leo admitted he gets too extra over Master Splinter’s food offerings.

“I don’t accept your apology,” Mikey said, because even though it was a really good apology, he had planned on getting something from Leo.

Leo gave a stiff nod. “That is fair.”

Crap, he was feeling progressively worse about this, but it wasn’t just something for him. It was for Raph and Donnie’s sake too.

“I want us to go visit his grave.”

Leo looked at Mikey almost alarmed. “I can’t go back there,” he said urgently, like the place was haunted or he was scared.

“But we want to,” Mikey stressed. “Raph and Donnie want to. And what we want has to mean something to you right?”

He may be their Sensei now, but he had to feel bad about denying them this. If they put it to a vote it would be three to one unless Donnie caved and tied it.

Actually, now that Mikey thought about it, Donnie would do that so it’s a good thing this wasn’t being put to a vote.

Leo rocked back and forth on the edge of the bed, and shook his head.

“And we thought maybe it is time you share some of those private lessons, it’s been a year after all,” Mikey pushed.

The rocking abruptly stopped.

“In two weeks I will tell you about my private lessons with Master Splinter,” Leo said.

That was not the answer Mikey had expected at all.

“But I am not going to see his grave,” Leo said.

“He died on the 21st Leo… and the funeral was on the 25th… why do we need to wait two weeks. Why can’t you just tell us now?”

“It is complicated Mikey, I need to get some things in order,” Leo said, rocking again. “And afterwards things might change around here.”

“What do you mean,” Mikey asked, wishing Leo would at least look at him.

“I might not be around as much or at all,” Leo said quietly, as if he was uncertain about it.

“Is that part of you teaching us the lessons Master Splinter left behind?”

Leo looked over to Mikey then down at the bed. “Yes.”

“I don’t want you to leave though,” Mikey said, worried now that Leo was serious or maybe even talking about leaving in a different way.

He knew Leo had some issues, but did that mean he was suicidal?

Leo sat up straighter, smoothing his face. “Do you accept my apology for the cheese incident?” he asked.

Mikey recognized when Leo was pushing things down, and sadly once Leo put on the leader hat it was like super glued on.

“Yes, but only if you hug me,” Mikey said.

Leo gave him a flat look.

“I almost drowned today-”

With a great sigh Leo got up and came closer to Mikey, he leaned down and hugged him tightly. Mikey took full advantage of the hug to really squeeze Leo and rub his back a bit. After a few seconds passed, Leo pulled away and walked out of the infirmary quickly.

* * *

The clock on Donnie’s desk said it was five in the morning. Mikey was used to staying up until four playing video games. He was really into Animal Crossing at the moment and oh yeah he totally forgot to charge his Switch after it died last night. He meant to but then he had to take a shower before going over to see Leatherhead.

And then Raph and Donnie asked him if Leo snuck out and he got distracted.

And now he was thinking about Leatherhead again when all he wanted to do was go to sleep because it was like five in the fricken morning and he was bored.

So instead he rolled onto his stomach and stretched his hand out to nudge Donnie on the cot next to his bed because this was all Donnie’s fault and he would totally be asleep if he was in his own room.

Donnie smacked his hand away.

“Did you just smack your patient?” Mikey asked, shocked.

His brother had zero bedside manners.

“Mikey, I am exhausted,” Donnie said, voice muffled by his pillow. “Please go to sleep.”

Mikey shook him harder. “Dude I am tired too! I’ve been swimming all day and I just can’t get comfortable! Uhg!”

“Mmm.”

“If you’re so exhausted why aren’t you asleep?” Mikey pestered.

“I am not comfortable.”

“Hmph,” Mikey snorted, flopping back over on his back.

“It’s like I know I should be falling asleep, I am on my left side, my preferred side,” he reasoned. “I feel like I should be asleep right now. Instead I am lying here with my eyes closed thinking.”

Mikey nodded a few times, Donnie was being boring. “Can I turn on the TV?”

“How are you going to sleep with the TV on?” Donnie asked.

“Well this is boring!” Mikey complained. “I’ll put it on low, maybe there is something on TV that will bore me to sleep, you know?”

He was already getting out of bed to fetch the remote. Maybe the local news would be just the right thing to put him under.

Donnie sat up and stretched. “I have supplements that might help us sleep,” he said more to himself than Mikey. “I’ll get those.”

“Oh and some hot cocoa!” Mikey said, jumping back on his bed.

“Really?” Donnie said, looking back at Mikey with black circles under his eyes.

“And some toast, with butter, and that fig jam!” Mikey said tapping the remote to his chin.

What? He was the patient after all!

Donnie sighed. “You… are something else,” he said before leaving.

“Damn you are tired,” Mikey said, turning on the TV. “Too tired to even throw out a real insult.”

* * *

The news was accidentally kind of interesting. For instance Mikey knew the best traffic route if he needed to get to the Empire State building or surrounding area by seven. He would need to be careful because there is road work on West 33rd Street.

“Here’s your toast” Donnie said with a yawn, “and this is L-Tryptophan. Might help you fall asleep.”

Mikey turned his lip up at the three capsules next to his toast and hot cocoa. “Uh-”

Then Raph stomped in with three bags of dry cereal and that was speaking Mikey’s language. 

“You better plan on sharing those,” Mikey said, pointing at Raph dramatically.

“I hate this,” Raph said, plopping down on the end of Mikey’s bed with the cereal. Fruit Loops, Cheerios, and Frosted Mini Wheats. None of the healthy cereals thankfully. “I’ve never had issues sleeping. I can nap on command you know.”

Mikey snickered and reached in for the Fruit Loops. “Yeah old-”

Donnie reached up from his cot bed and put a firm hand over Mikey’s mouth. Gross because Donnie’s hand tasted like dish soap.

“I will not treat any concussion Raph gives you,” the very tired, and annoyed, medic warned.

Raph snatched the bag of Fruit Loops back, a few went flying and landed on the bed and floor. “Don’t worry I wouldn’t hit someone in a hospital bed,” Raph said before shoving a huge handful of Fruit Loops into his mouth.

Mikey gave him a mile wide grin, innocent as he was.

“I’d wait until he was discharged and then hit him,” Raph said, spraying crumbs on Mikey.

Mikey tried to grab at the Fruit Loop bag, but Donnie snatched it up first.

“Well isn’t this a lovely and perfectly healthy family bonding experience, minus one member.”

He carefully took out one morsel of cereal before handing the bag to Mikey.

“Well at least Leo is getting a good night’s sleep,” Mikey said with a shrug.

The dude needed a nap, or three.

“Nope, he’s in the dojo,” Raph grumbled, jabbing a thumb behind him.

“Goddammit-” Donnie cursed, looking distraught.

“Don’t bother,” Raph said as Donnie started to get up.

He wavered for a second before sitting down on the cot again. “He’s been running katas for three hours-”

“And he’ll tire himself out and go to bed,” Raph said with no fuss. “It’s my fault anyways, I said something to Mikey and he overheard it. I’ll tell you later.”

Donnie gave him a disapproving look. “Then it sounds like you should be the one to tell him to go to bed.”

Raph shook his head. “I think that’s the reason I shouldn’t.”

That was an excuse though, and raph was making himself out to be an ass when Mikey knew he really did feel bad. But like Leo, Raph was shit at apologizing too.

“You should apologize to him,” Mikey nudged.

“Has he apologized to you though?” Raph asked.

He wondered why it would matter if Leo had or hadn’t. Raph should still apologize. “Yes actually and oh!” he exclaimed. “Leo said in two weeks he’ll show us Master Splinter’s lessons!”

Both Donnie and Raph looked at him like his head had fallen off and grown legs.

“What!?” they both said.

“Yeah!” Mikey said excitedly. “He said he would teach us, but he doubled down on not seeing Master Splinter’s grave this year.”

Donnie bit his thumbnail for a few seconds in thought.

“It might be guilt,” he reasoned softly. “If Master Splinter left those lesson plans knowing he was close to dying even without The Shredder’s attack, Leo probably feels guilty that a year has passed and he hasn’t started our training yet.”

“I just realized we are begging for a routine that will bust our shells,” Mikey said. Now he imagined what kind of lessons Master Splinter had left. Likely a lot of very intense new katas, things they didn’t have the balance for just yet.

Raph and Donnie nodded in silent agreement.

“But uh, he said something else,” Mikey said, swallowing. “He said he’s leaving after he shares the lessons-”

“He’s leaving!?” Raph yelled.

Like ow, he was like two feet away, no need to yell.

“Shhh! That’s what he said. But maybe it’s part of the lessons or something?” Mikey suggested, he didn’t want to set Raph off.

Then they all heard the dojo door slide open.

“He’s coming out of the Dojo-” Donnie hissed.

“Hey Leo!” Raph yelled, brows still pinched together. “Come in ‘ere for a sec will ya?”

“What are you doing!?” Mikey asked frantically.

Raph waved him off. “Jus’ wanna ask him something.”

“Why-, are you-, guys still-, awake?” Leo panted, holding on to the door frame for support. “It’s late.”

Mikey grimaced at Leo’s haggard appearance, his image not helped by all the scabbed over scrapes on his arms and face. He knew one time Leo exercised so hard he ended up falling asleep in the shower. Donnie found him in the morning half frozen when the shower head had auto turned off after thirty minutes.

That was like right after Leo killed The Shredder though.

“Leo there’s some gatorade in the mini fridge over there,” Donnie said. “Drink it.”

Leo stumbled towards the fridge and obtained the sacred liquid.

“If it’s late so why are you running katas?” Raph asked as they watched Leo struggle to open the bottle.

He held up one finger to Raph and started guzzling the drink down.

“Raph don’t-” Mikey whispered.

He wasn’t even sure if he was supposed to tell Raph and Donnie about the lesson plans or if Leo meant for it to be a secret.

“I lost track of time,” Leo said after polishing off the bottle.

Donnie pointed to the chair on the other side of Mikey’s bed. “Well sit down before you collapse.”

Leo nearly tripped on his own feet getting to the chair, but he managed. He collapsed against it with his chest still rising and falling rapidly. This was the breathing of someone who should have stopped two hours ago.

“Yeah, you sound like you didn’t overdo it at all,” Raph said, oozing with sarcasm.

Leo touched the cuts on his face, then tried to swipe away some of the sweat on his brow. “I should take a shower or something. I got sweat in these and it hurts.”

He then leaned forward and rested his head on Mikey’s bed.

“You’re getting your sweat all over my blankets-”

* * *

Mikey blinked a few times feeling very alarmed.

There was something wrong now. It was cool, and neat, and unexpected to have the same dream twice… but a third time felt off.

He was still in the field, the long grass swaying in the wind like the gentle waves over the surface of a lake.

This wasn’t a dream.

He was being teleported somewhere, and for whatever reason he was a dog in this world.

“Okay…” Mikey said, whimpering in his throat. “I should find water and shelter, I mean, probably.”

Before he hadn’t considered how out in the open he was, and he had seen Bambi, he knew that open fields were death. Well maybe Disney movies weren’t something he was supposed to take survival lessons from but he was a dog in a world that could be filled with humans.

There were trees all around him, they didn’t look inviting but they looked like cover. He pressed his ears back and looked around the vast field one last time before booking it towards the trees.

Running as a dog felt amazing. This body wasn’t really his, but he was comfortable in it. Feeling his back legs kick off against the ground, the wind roaring in his ears, and the sun on his back almost felt right.

He could leap a good distance, at least four times his own length. Not that he knew what his length was. He needed to find something familiar like a car or mail box.

Mikey tore through some young trees and into the woods. Immediately he felt cooler under the shade of the trees. He hadn’t realized how much warmth the sun was giving him.

As he looked up at the canopy he heard panting and looked around for the source before realizing it was him who was doing that. He had just started panting like it was a normal thing to do after a run.

The forest was much more dense than he had expected. The trees were redder than any he had ever seen, and he didn’t recognize any of the plants on the ground.

A dreadful feeling settled in his stomach as he walked deeper into the foreign woods. The hair on his back poked up and he kept his head down. There was absolutely no sign of life anywhere.

There were no birds chirping, there were no insects buzzing. Unless he started making noise there was no noise… just this thick silence.

“Hello?” Mikey called into the woods.

He listened intently, but of course no one responded. And now that he really thought about it he wondered if he was speaking in English or in barks.

He pointed his nose to the sky and straightened his neck, this time we wailed hello from his stomach and felt it reverb off the trees.

Someone would hear that, if there was someone to hear it. Whatever he did felt less like a word but one noise, whatever he had done it felt smooth and natural and those were the only things that could guide him now.

Then he heard it.

A howl.

And he pivoted his body in that direction, tail wagging fast because there was another dog in this world. Another dog that howled back at him.

Just as he took a step towards that howl he heard another one in the opposite direction. This howl was faint and so much further away, it also sounded desperate in a way.

“Well now I have to choose one of you?” Mikey asked himself while looking in the direction of the further away dog. “How am I supposed to choose?”

An unprompted howl came from the closer by dog and Mikey squeezed his eyes shut.

“Sorry dude, I’ll get this guy and then we’ll buddy system it all the way to you,” he said quietly before trotting into the woods.

It was a decision that might make Leo proud. To go to the closest dog first and find out what was going on, then he could tell him about the other dog. Maybe there were enemies or things he needed to look out for. And if he could make an ally out of this other dog then well wasn’t that the smarter choice?

As he trotted away he still felt bad, he even waited until he had trotted for several minutes before howling again.

This time he could not hear the howl behind him, he only received a howl from the dog he was heading towards and it sounded like that dog was heading his way.

Mikey was pretty friendly, and the howls sounded excited as he was. He still started planning his exit in case this other dog was mean or wanted to fight him.

Now the trees were getting really thick, and the ground felt like he was running up a slight incline. There were less plants on the ground and more pine needles. As he got higher and higher up the endless incline he started to wonder if the hill would ever end.

He stopped to howl and the one he got in return was so loud and close his heart practically fell out of his chest.

“Hello?” Mikey asked, coming around a tree as big around as a tool shed. “You close-”

“Yeah-” the other dog cut him off as he came into view.

Mikey froze.

This was a big dog. A head taller than he was. His fur was black and white, though his black sections were wider. The other dog's tail was black unlike Mikey’s white one. The band of white fur around his middle was half the width of the white band around Mikey’s middle. The other dog had a white head and large black circles around his emerald green eyes.

“Mikey?” Raph’s voice came out of the larger dog’s mouth.

“Raph?” Mikey asked, coming right up to his brother and pushing his head under his chin. “Dude! I am so happy I dreamed you up!”

Raph stepped back, “No, I musta dreamed you up, this is my dream Mikey.”

Mikey laughed, “I’ve had this dream three nights in a row there is no way you’re dreaming this. I am, like Grandpa’d in.”

“Grandfathered in, Mikey,” Raph sighed. “And I’ve had this dream three times too now.”

They both frowned and pulled their ears back.

“Dream Beavers?” they both asked at the same time.

“This is way too calm to be that man,” Mikey dismissed, but he did look around a tiny bit fearful. “Wait, I heard another dog!”

“When?” Raph asked.

Mikey turned and ran back down the hill the direction he came. “Hurry! It might be Leo or Donnie!”

He heard Raph running behind him, he sounded heavier than Mikey too and kicked up more dirt and needles.

“Mikey hold on a second!” Raph called.

“We don’t have time to wait around,” Mikey snapped.

That other dog sounded like he was in trouble.

* * *

Metalhead was going nuts, the infirmary was full of a loud blaring alarm and red flashing lights. Mikey fell off the bed twisted in his blankets onto Donnie’s cot then the hard floor.

“RAPH!” Donnie screamed, “TOURNIQUETS NOW.”

Mikey whipped his head around while struggling to get out of his blankets as Raph slammed into the supply cabinet with a loud metal bang.

Still confused as to what the shell was going on he looked under the bed and saw Leo and Donnie’s legs on the other side next to Leo's tipped over chair.

And so much blood on the floor.


	4. Day 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo wakes up during an unfortunate part of after surgery care. Does his reaction tip his hand or will his brothers think nothing of his freak out?

Something wet and cool wiped over Leo’s cloaca.

“No!” he screamed, kicking Master Splinter off of him and rolling off the bed.

He collided into a metal table that banged loudly on the floor. A hospital gown was twisted around him at the same time. He yanked back and there was a sharp pain in his left elbow pit as the IV stand fell over and the needle flew out of his skin.

All Leo saw was red as every nerve in his body exploded into a severe flight response. He could see Karai and his brothers yelling that it’s okay. He could see Shini crouched by the nurse he just kicked in the chest. The room was bright and loud in ways he could not process.

There was so much yelling.

His right arm was under the gown and wrapped to his chest. He was startled by his shell hitting the wall and on impulse ripped the clipboard caddy off the wall and sent it sailing at the brother closest to him. Raph took it to the face with a shout and Leo bobbed and weaved around his brother before slamming out of the swinging double doors into the hallway.

On wobbly legs Leo bolted down the hallway narrowly avoiding protruding drinking fountains and nurses. Papers go flying, trays of food are spilled. Leo left chaos in his wake as he desperately tried to remember where the exam rooms were. He needed some place away from everything so he could calm down. His breathing was hard and labored. His right arm was starting to burn and itch under its bandages.

The doctors were yelling from behind him. He could feel their breath on his neck and that feeling quickly warped into whiskers dusting his face and chest and the inside of his thighs. A dark exam room came into view after a sharp turn he barely cleared. He plowed into the room and slammed the door. 

“Leo!” Raph hollered, pounding on the door. “You’re at Karai’s! Cool it!”

He held the door handle up but he only had his left hand while Raph had both of his. This was a temporary means of keeping them out.

In the corner of the room there was an empty bag stand. Leo grabbed that with his toes and knocked it to the floor. It was tiny, a bit shorter than the room was wide. He positioned it awkwardly with his feet so that it was wedged between the door and the opposite wall, all while fighting to keep the door handle wrenched up 

Now if Raph did manage to push the handle down the door would not open far enough to let him in.

“Leo, it’s okay,” Donnie asserted. “You were in surgery. The nurse was just changing you.”

“Yeah no offense man but none of us were jumping at the bit to change your diaper,” Mikey called. “Thought you’d rather have the nurse do that.”

Fatigue and hard breathing wore him down, already he could feel his left bicep vibrating as Raph slowly got the handle to its neutral position. Raph had the advantage, pushing down with all his weight while one handed Leo could only exert so much force upward.

He let go of the door handle and quickly backed away from the door.

“Fuck!” Raph yelled when the door only opened two inches. “He put something to jam it!”

Leo positioned himself behind the door in the corner. He used his good left hand to hold the bag stand straight. Both of his legs were shaking so hard his knees were bumping into each other. The hospital gown was stuck to his skin with a thin layer of sweat. The pain in his right arm was crawling from a five to a seven at an alarming rate.

Along the walls posters of human organs and illnesses warp in and out. The door let in only a strip of light, otherwise the exam room was dark. Leo closed his eyes and completely ignored the argument taking place in the hall. Brothers screaming and arguing with Karai and Shini all fade to the back of his mind as he tries to find his center.

It wasn’t working. The pain and sickening fear is too present. His father’s tongue laps between his legs, cleaning him while he is unable to move. A whine escaped through his shivering teeth as he pressed his hand between his legs.

‘Stop stop stop!’ Leo begged, hating these kinds of memories.

These were the ones where he could see and identify that he was currently alone in a room but could feel Splinter assaulting him. The phantom feeling of Splinter’s tongue persisted even as Leo started scrubbing himself raw with the gown.

‘Get off of me! Just get off of me!’ he screamed in his head. ‘You’re dead!’

The door was rammed into over and over again. Bang. Bang. Crack. Some of the wood in the heavy oak door splits but not enough to break open.

“Raph stop!” Mikey yelled at the top of his voice. “Listen!”

Leo continued to whine and breathe harshly in and out, not sure what his brother’s were scheming. All he felt was his father’s tongue dipping into his cloaca and _burning_ him. His saliva burned.

“He’s doing the thing. The breathing thing,” Mikey whispered outside the door. “We should leave him alone.”

“We cannot leave him alone,” Donnie said, high pitched and stressed. “He just got out of surgery two hours ago. He needs fluids, he needs his temperature monitored. He needs to be on antibiotics to prevent an infection. He needs pain relievers. He needs to be in bed now.”

“Well all of this isn’t helping him,” Mikey said. “We’re freaking him out.”

“He cannot be in there unattended, Mikey.” Donnie groaned. “Raph bust down the door-”

“If you try to breach that exam room I will have you removed from the hospital wing,” Karai cut in.

Raph guffawed. “You can fuck right off-”

“I am warning you once,” Karai said. “Leo has given me POA. I say you three need to leave and let him come out in his own time.”

“POA?” Donnie asked. “Quick question but how the hell does a giant mutant turtle get Power of Attorney? There’s no way that’s binding.”

“It’s the principle of the act Donatello,” Karai spoke evenly. “Of course Leonardo can’t actually have that document on record in any official capacity.”

Leo was feeling calmer, the sensation had passed but now the humiliation was settling in his stomach. He also wasn’t sure if Karai could convince his brothers to leave him be for just a moment.

“Then why do we gotta follow it?” Raph questioned, punching the door for good measure. “It’s just a piece of fucking paper then.”

“It’s a piece of paper that your brother asked for and filled out when he was clear headed. He wanted me to have this power when he could not. It does not matter that you agree with it,” she said, trailing her voice in a way that said her point was only just getting started. “Considering how unofficial your lives are I would hope you would respect that. After all if one of you three were ever to marry it would not be legally binding. Yet you would want your family and friends to act like it was. Even your own adoption by Splinter is not legally binding. Nor are your names.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Should I go on?” Karai asked.

Donnie was the first to speak. “Fine. But then as the turtle most familiar with our very unique medical needs let me tell you that he really needs to be back in bed.”

“What can we do that does not involve taking Leo out of the room by force?” Karai asked.

“A blanket would be a start. Water would be a good idea. A sedative would be wonderful,” Donnie listed. “I am very worried about infection, Karai. We’ve never had any sort of invasive surgery like this. Leo needs to be in bed where we can monitor him.”

“Well let’s start with what we can do. All of you can go back to Leo’s room, I will get him a blanket, a bottle of water, and a sedative if he wants to take it.”

Karai was doing him such a favor, but he doubted his brothers would allow themselves to be bossed around by her.

“I think we should go,” Mikey said. “Either way I don’t think Leo wants us around.”

That wasn’t true. He didn’t mean to push them away but he was humiliated and overwhelmed. This was all too much already. Then to wake up with that sensation. The nurse was doing her job by changing him but it was still a process that reminded him so much of the abuse.

Footsteps trailed away from the door and Leo breathed a tad easier. Someone pulled the door shut all the way and Leo felt a wave of relief. He was still shaking, but he wasn’t exposed like before.

Leo painfully recalled how he got here and how confusing it had been. He had very little experience with shock, only ever experiencing it once before falling into a coma. On the car ride to The Foot Headquarter Leo had succumbed to it. That strange feeling where the pain was so bad it completely morphs into something else. It no longer hurts even though you know it hurts more than anything you’ve ever experienced.

He didn’t remember much more than waking up to Metalhead's alarm and then feeling this awful pain in his right arm. When he looked down both bones of his forearm were poking outside of his body and the floor was covered in blood. Donnie was on him immediately, holding his arm over his heart and then tying his arm off just above the elbow.

Leo had immediately started meditating. He slowed his heart rate and calmed himself but that was only long enough for his brothers to grab his spare bags of blood and call Karai. By the time Leo was getting unloaded from the Party Wagon with Foot Clan Doctors circling and Donnie barking orders he was getting foggy.

He was not aware he would be going into surgery. He was not aware he was going to be in surgery so long he would soil himself and need to be cleaned. If that had to happen more than once he was glad he was out during the other changings.

It was medical, but the sensation was sickening. If the wipe had been hot Leo would have collapsed into a full meltdown. The nurse didn’t deserve to be kicked in the chest, but he could not handle any touch down there.

This was just how he was now. It was how he’d always be. He felt awful about it and wondered if he would ever be able to apologize to that nurse. All the medical personnel Karai hires are trustworthy individuals. That nurse was safe and just doing her job.

“Leo?” Karai knocked. “There is no one out here except me, open the door and I’ll just hand you this blanket, water bottle, and meds.”

It was challenging to get up but he managed. Bracing against the wall before hooking his toes under the slightly bent bag stand and flipping it upright. He paused to catch his breath and let the light headedness pass.

“Here,” Karai said, passing the blanket through the six inch gap Leo allowed. “And you have had these before,” she said, handing him two pills in a little paper cup. 

It was hard to hold in his big clumsy fingers.

“If you just take one you won’t pass out, it will just calm you down. You probably won’t even go down with both unless you let yourself fall asleep,” Karai said.

He jostled the blanket to his elbow pit, and placed the cup on the counter. He took one pill out.

“Can you open that?” he asked, gesturing to the water bottle before popping the tablet down his throat.

She passed him the water bottle and he drained it. His throat was dry and he was losing water from all the sweating. She took it from him and held his hand for a second.

“Keno is on his way-”

“Karai,” Leo sighed. “There isn’t-, I don’t want to bother him-,”

“He’s your doctor, he is happy to do it. It’s only just now six in the evening,” Karai said firmly, stroking the back of his left hand while it was still sticking outside the door. A small glimpse into his very deformed state of mind.

Leo was grateful for it. Karai and Shini were sources or physical touch he was okay with. Too bad he couldn’t go to his room here and sleep between Shini and Karai. It was that platonic kind of sleeping. There were blankets between them but it was the same bed and it was nice.

“So when he comes, let him in,” Karai said.

He avoided making a promise of it. “Is that nurse okay?” he asked.

“Gwen is fine, she saw your kick coming and threw herself back,” Karai assured him, she was doing her best to older sister him. Whenever he was really messed up Karai would get maternal. “She will have a bruise tomorrow and I’ve already given her the next week off with pay.”

“Okay.”

“You can write a card or letter to her if that makes you feel better.”

Leo gave Karai a look. His dominant right hand was strapped to his chest under his half on hospital gown.

“I mean,” Karai back pedalled, a little of her usual self slipping in. “When your arm is better you can send her something. Either way it’s fine. Just wait in here for Keno.”

She squeezed his hand, but her face warned him to let Keno in or else. Leo nodded and made her let go first before closing the door. He waited until the shadow under the door moved away before sinking back into the corner. He awkwardly shook the blanket out with one hand and draped it over his cold legs first.

The strings on the vent in the ceiling started dancing. Someone bumped the heat on for him.

* * *

In the now warm room Leo was able to close his eyes and rest his left side in the corner. Despite being in surgery he was very tired and wanted nothing more than to get into bed.

He was drifting in and out, blinking slowly when a gentle knock at the door echoed around the hardened exam room. 

“Leo?” Dr. Keno asked through the door.

“It’s not blocked anymore,” Leo said, exhaustion in his voice. After taking his one sedative he knew it would be stupid to block the door. Just in case he did pass out.

Dr. Keno entered the room, finding Leo quickly. “Can I turn on the light?” he asked.

Leo nodded, wincing when the room was flooded with unforgiving white light. It was depressing to talk in the dark.

Dr. Keno was a charismatic man and immediately put on the act that everything about this was fine. He pulled the hard metal stool from next to the exam table closer to Leo and sat down. If Leo extended his legs straight he would be touching the stool legs.

“Karai is very worried about you,” Dr. Keno said, folding his hands together and resting his elbows on his knees. Some of his dark hair was out of place. A reminder to Leo that he had caused him to stop doing whatever he was in the middle of and rush here. “What would make you willing to go back to your hospital room?”

Leo shrugged and focused on moving his blanket to cover him more. Now with light he realized Karai had grabbed one of his after therapy blankets from his room. It explained why it felt so soft and secure.

It was also marred by invisible stains from crying.

Dr. Keno leaned back and grabbed the little paper cup off the counter. He made a groaning noise and sighed in an exaggerated fashion which all helped to keep the focus on him and not other things. Whenever Leo was quiet, Dr. Keno was loud and jovial.

“Did taking one of these help calm you?” Dr. Keno asked, rattling the lone pill in its cup.

Leo nodded before dipping his head down. Dr. Keno didn’t need to be here, he just needed to get over himself and go back to the hospital room.

“What is wrong?” Dr. Keno lowered his voice. “Did I say something to upset you?”

Leo shook his head, and moved his knees closer to his body.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo snorted up snot and wiped his face as discreetly as possible. “I don’t know what happened,” he said, voice cracking. “We must have been attacked. Someone broke my arm and-,”

He inhaled some saliva and broke into a fit of coughing. The door opened and a few moments of coughing later Dr. Keno was back with a bottle of water. Leo sipped it not caring that his blanket had fallen off of him and pooled at his waist.

“We had to come here,” Leo continued. “I was in surgery. I woke up and this nurse was cleaning between my legs and I freaked out. And now they know. Now my brothers know.”

He had failed to keep himself in check. They’ll know he has trauma there. It made him sick. He wasn’t ready to lose his brothers. He still had two weeks with them...

“Know what?” Dr. Keno asked.

“That there is something wrong with me!” Leo yelled, slamming the water bottle down next to him. The flimsy plastic crinkled and crunched.

Dr. Keno frowned, as though confused. “Hmm. Well, a lot of people when they wake up from surgery are confused and a little scared,” he said, tapping his chin. “Without talking about your history with your father let’s look back and realize you have been through so much. A coma. Countless injuries. You are already hypervigilant. You woke up in a hospital room with someone touching your privates. There is no reason for anyone to think that being alarmed by that is odd.”

Leo scowled at Dr. Keno. His brothers were ninjas too, they grew up as child soldiers. They weren’t molested and raped throughout their lives, so Leo doubts they would do more than just be a little upset about waking up to their ass being wiped.

What Leo had done was more like a tantrum. He had assaulted a nurse. He threw things. He ran.

That will not be pushed under the rug. Just like his freakout after waking up from his coma was picked at constantly for weeks by Donnie. Leo had never been so grateful that his defenseless and comatose body hadn’t been touched by Master Splinter.

“It is normal,” Dr. Keno said, finding the silence had gone on long enough. “Your brothers do not suspect anything other than an understandable reaction.”

He just knew Donnie had already figured it out and they were back at The Lair, tossing his things into the sewer.

Leo shook the thought away. “It felt like Master Splinter’s tongue. It reminded me of it,” Leo said.

“And you removed yourself from the area to process those memories,” Dr. Keno said.

“You are making it sound like barricading myself in here was a thought out choice,” Leo said humorlessly.

Dr. Keno nodded. “A part of you thought it out. We can’t do everything on autopilot. You wanted to feel safe and you did everything in your power to make yourself just that.”

Leo bit his tongue. Unsure if he could really believe there was any silver lining here.

“So now that the feeling has passed and you are calmer, what is keeping you in here?” Dr. Keno asked.

Leo shrugged.

“In your room there is a bed that will be much more comfortable than the floor. There is a TV that could distract you. There is pain medication and antibiotics to keep you from infection-”

“I know I-,” he gestured to the door like it was something Dr. Keno would remember. “Mikey said I was doing ‘the breathing thing’ and he has a name for it so that means he’s heard me doing it before-, I don’t want to go back to my room. Donnie will ask me questions and I took a sedative and I don’t want to slip and…”

He trailed off looking down. Assuming there was a way back from all this, the last thing he needed was to be loaded with painkillers while talking to his brothers. When he came out of his coma Donnie had him on vicodin and it made him extremely clingy and sappy towards his brothers.

This was something Leo would like to avoid at all costs.

“So if no one is in your room but the required doctors and nurses, you would be willing to come out?” Dr. Keno guessed.

“I don’t want to be-,” he squeezed his legs together and swallowed his heart burn. “I don’t want anything to touch me down here.”

“Alright,” Dr. Keno said. “Now that you are awake and can make it to the bathroom on your own I am positive you don’t need to worry about that.”

Leo nodded, but blushed as he made his next request. “And if Karai and Shini could stay with me… I would like that.”

“Leo,” Dr. Keno said with a big smile. “I can arrange that.”

“Okay,” Leo said, feeling much better about getting back in bed. “Thank you.”

* * *

Seven turned into eight on the pain scale, but accepting pain medication meant falling asleep and Leo did not want to fall asleep. Karai and Shini had done everything to tempt him into sleep. His hospital bed now had his nice pillows from his room, his legs were elevated, more pillows were pressed against his sides and the railings of the bed. His weighted blanket was covering from his waist to his feet. The IV was back in his left arm painfully pushing liquid into his blood.

Leo felt miserable and paranoid, but at least Shini and Karai were currently setting up the recliners with sheets and pillows for themselves. They had indulged Leo's request for them to stay by his side all night, but neither of them were happy with his refusal to take something to help with sleep.

The fear was ever pungent in his own mind. Being awake had its pitfalls but at least no one could sneak up on him.

“Your brothers are going to call in a few minutes,” Karai said as she dabbed sweat off his face with a soft cotton towel.

Leo closed his eyes while she worked. “I don’t want to,” he grimaced.

“You know how hard it was for me to get them out of here?” Karai asked. “I had to make some compromises. One of those was that sometime tonight they could call your room and speak with you. They’ve been texting me every two minutes asking when you can take a call.”

“They’re going to ask about why I freaked out,” Leo argued as Karai folded over the towel and set it back on his pillow. “And I haven’t thought of a lie yet.”

“There is no need to lie.”

Leo frowned, the pain was messing up his critical thinking but he knew Karai well enough to know she was annoyed with him.

“Say it,” Leo said, pinching his brow together. “What aren’t you saying?”

Karai shook her head, not willing to answer.

“Shini,” Leo demanded. “What isn’t she saying?”

Shini has a harder time keeping secrets, she put her hands over her mouth and shook her head back and forth vigorously. Karai's stern glare was also keeping her in check.

It was no use, not while he was in bed. If he could go over to Shini and ask maybe she would break but for the time being he was stuck. Just rolling in frustration.

Karai turned off the light leaving only the night lamp above Leo’s bed on. These hospital rooms were very nice. When the head of The Foot Clan stopped using all the money on lavish experiments the place really was much nicer for every part of the clan. The new hospital rooms were private rooms with their own bathrooms and sitting area for visitors. Even with the visiting area the room was still big and open for any equipment that might need to be rolled in.

“Raph, Donnie, and Mikey aren’t suspicious of you,” Karai said. “They’re scared.”

“You broke your arm in the middle of the night,” Shini cut in much to Karai’s frustration. “Your home may no longer be safe…”

She looked to Karai before continuing.

“They refused to sleep until you came out of surgery, I think all they want is to have a little reassurance,” Shini said.

His stomach flipped. Was he really that selfish? This whole time he was drowning in the thought that his brothers somehow knew he was sexually violated and judging him when really they were worried about their safety as a family.

Someone had attacked them, in their home. If they weren’t allied with Karai, Leo wouldn’t have an arm or he could be dead.

“And I didn’t want to tell you that because I thought adding guilt to your mental soup wouldn’t help get pain medication into you,” Karai said forcefully. “But if your brothers call, and you sound like you’re in pain they will feel even worse.”

“I-,” Leo floundered, looking up at the immaculate ceiling like the solution was printed up there.

“Let me get a nurse in here,” Karai said. “Give yourself twenty minutes to let some pain medication work and then I’ll text your brothers letting them know you can receive a call.”

Leo nodded. The next half hour blurred by. He took a rapid release morphine tablet that made his stomach a little queasy, it did take the pain away. There was an issue with the phone call, because Leo’s left arm was stuck with an IV and his right was strapped to his chest, he couldn’t hold the phone up to his head himself.

So he relented on his no visitors policy.

To be fair to his brother’s they didn’t immediately accost him with questions. They all looked awful, worn down and still in their gear. All in need of a shower and a long night’s rest.

Mikey was the first to the side of Leo’s bed, leaning over the left side of the railing to give a hovering hug without putting any weight on him. Donnie picked up the clipboard left by the doctor and read that, his expression pinched. Raph’s fingertips touched Leo's left hand carefully, like he would break if he held it.

Leo closed his eyes and moved his head into the side of Mikey’s.

“We’ll be okay,” Leo whispered. “We’re all alive and safe and that’s what matters.”

The clipboard was placed back in its spot on the end of Leo’s bed and Donnie took position on Leo’s right side.

“Can I please be the one to change your bandages tomorrow?” Donnie pleaded, so much hurt in his voice. “I am sorry about whatever I did, really, but I need to see what we’re dealing with for the long term.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” Leo said. “Didn’t know where I was, I…,” he was never good at lying. “I’m just glad you’re all okay.”

Raph finally squeezed his hand and Leo squeezed back.

“Do we know who attacked us?” Leo asked, opening his eyes and turning his head towards Donnie.

Mikey stood up but still held on firmly to Leo’s left shoulder, his brothers shared a spooked look before Donnie finally spoke.

“Metalhead’s footage was corrupted,” he said. “I’ve been working on it.”

“Don’t worry about it tonight Leo,” Raph added over Donnie.

“But can I please come back tomorrow when your arm is being redressed?” Donnie asked. “If you don’t want me touching-”

Leo shook his head. “I was being dumb, you all can visit whenever. And if you want to look at or touch my arm tomorrow you can do that. When can we go back home?”

“You weren’t being dumb Leo,” Mikey said. “We get it, it’s okay. You woke up somewhere totally different. I once woke up in Raph’s room and thought I was in that show Hoarders-”

“Hey!” Raph barked.

“There were pizza boxes everywhere and underwear and we don’t even wear underwear-”

“That’s your room, idiot!” Raph snapped, though his grip on Leo’s hand never released.

“That’s why I was screaming,” Mikey said. “I have a real issue.”

Donnie cupped the side of Leo’s face, it startled him but he hid it. The morphine and sedative might have helped that. “Please get some sleep soon Leo,” Donnie begged. “I don’t know what's going on but we all need to get some sleep before we can figure it out it’s-,” his shoulders slumped. “I don’t even know where to start.”

Leo blinked slowly, well he meant to blink but his eyes stayed closed. “We’ll start tomorrow all together. We’ll figure it out. We always do in the end.”

His brothers agreed but Leo felt like he was falling out fast. He forced his eyes open when Mikey hover-hugged him again.

“Goodnight, Leo,” Mikey whispered before stepping away to let Donnie in.

It was easier to hover-hug Leo on his left side. Donnie put his chin on Leo’s forehead for a few seconds before pulling away. Raph started to come in for a hug but stopped and chose to squeeze Leo’s hand instead for a second before also pulling away.

Raph was never callous when things were bad, Leo remembered. Even if he had managed to break into the exam room before Karai intervened Leo still had nothing to worry about. He was the one making a big deal out of all this. His brothers weren’t Master Splinter. Their love wasn’t tied up in strings and expectations…

Or in favors to be returned.

It was Leo’s dumb brain that made him see and think that.

Leo watched his brothers leave with final waves and really hope they would all try to sleep tonight. It was only nine at night now but the past few days had been so wild he was sure he could sleep for a whole day. Not that he actually would but he really felt like it.

Karai and Shini came back into the room, also looking tired and ready to go to bed. Karai helped him sip some water and get his blankets just right before she went over to the recliner. Fully extended back those things were beds; just add a twin size fitted sheet and some pillows and blankets. They assured him that they were comfortable.

They were each on their respective tablets with earbuds in, Leo knew he needed to go to sleep but kept feeling this impending sense of dread. Like he knew he was going to have a nightmare and couldn’t just get it over with.

For the past few nights he was having nightmares. He couldn’t remember them but he would wake up feeling very scared, almost like he was lost in the sewers or something.

Another hour passed and finally Karai got up to leave, when she came back she had a paper cup again and this time Leo sat up without being asked. She took the pill out of the cup and he let her pop it in his mouth, she offered him a water cup and aimed the straw toward him.

“Go to bed,” Karai said while fixing the covers around him. “Nothing will happen to you.”

Leo closed his eyes, fully ready to let go of all this anxiety. Tomorrow they would figure this out. For tonight Leo was going to be fine.

It wasn’t like a nightmare could actually hurt him.


	5. Night 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donatello has a mental breakdown over the lack of information, thankfully Raphael and Michelangelo are there to pick him up. Just like good brothers should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for 100 kudos! ❤️

The footage wasn’t corrupted. There were no cuts, and when Donatello examined each frame he found no inconsistencies. This was further complicated by the fact that behind Leonardo on the wall was a clock. It gave the footage from Metalhead’s camera even more authenticity as the seconds hand never jumped or glitched.

Unless the enemy drugged Leonardo, broke his arm, then edited the film in Metalhead so perfectly and without signs of tampering that it only looked like the seconds hand was never interrupted.

By now Donatello had watched Leonardo’s arm snap over a hundred times. He had slowed the film down. He was grateful that Metalhead records everything in ninety frames per second. Over and over he watched Leonrado’s ulna and radius stretch his forearm skin before piercing through.

Leonardo hadn’t even budged. His breathing hadn’t changed. His sleep seemed nearly drugged.

If Metalhead hadn’t alerted them to what happened Leonardo would be dead. His arm was under his heart and would have bled until he slipped into shock and then cardiovascular failure.

He stopped the video once the past version of himself woke up. Rewatching the following scene once had been too much. Listening to the way Leonardo initially panicked, but then forced himself to meditate was traumatizing enough the first time. On video Donatello could analyze the fear in his older brother’s eyes, the realization that Raphael and Donatello were tending to the life threatening injury, and the final decision to meditate under these conditions.

Donatello did not give very much credit to spirituality or power of the mind. That was more of Master Splinter and Leonardo’s area of practice. While his family practiced the Shinto religion, Donatello was more a closeted atheist. He went through the motions of tradition to appease his brothers but deep down inside he found it all hard to believe.

He was a turtle who fully embraced science and questioned everything around him.

Now however these habits were causing him to shake at his laptop as he scanned back to where Leonardo broke his arm again hoping to see something. He needed answers before Leonardo woke up tomorrow. Their home was compromised and they had nothing to go on. They might as well have been attacked by a ghost.

“Donnie,” Raphael said, reaching over to close the lid of his laptop. “We need to go to bed.”

Usually Donatello would be highly offended if one of his brothers closed his laptop, but tonight he could barely keep his eyes open. He wasn’t tired but his body was suffering from the lack of sleep. Blurred vision, tremors, and a throbbing headache behind his eyes.

None of them had slept while Leonardo was in surgery. Donatello didn’t because he had to be in the operating theater with the surgeons in order to keep his brother stable and sedated. Raphael and Michelangelo should have taken the opportunity to catch a few hours of sleep but for whatever reason they hadn’t.

Then Donatello had promised himself he would sleep until Leonrado woke up from post-surgery recovery, but even though his body and mind was lacking the sleep it really needed he couldn’t fall asleep. It was worse than any insomnia he had faced. It was knowing he could sleep but feeling like the door to sleep was sealed off by an outside force.

“Donnie,” Raphael said a bit firmer. “Come on, in bed.”

Donatello allowed Raphael to pull him up out of the desk chair and towards the bathroom attached to the room.

Karai had given them all a room but they had unanimously agreed to just sleep in one all together. Just because Leonardo seemed to enjoy his own space didn’t mean they did. When they saw the size of the beds they already knew they would be sleeping in a pile. Even if the beds had been too small Donatello imagined they would all sleep on the floor.

Raphael shoved Donatello’s toothbrush into his hand. “Brush your teeth, go to the bathroom,” he instructed. “We can all shower in the morning before we go upstairs to see Leo.”

Donatello nodded and began preparing his toothbrush with the toothpaste provided by Karai. It wasn’t his preferred brand for enamel repair but it would do for now... he supposed.

With dread he thought about tomorrow. Coming to Leonardo again without any information. The footage made it seem like an invisible enemy snapped Leonardo’s arm. The enemy must have been room temperature too because Metalhead sensors hadn’t gone off for that either.

After tending to his bathroom needs Donatello left to find the main sleeping room dark all except the dim blue night light on the headboard. Possessions were hastily strewn about. Raphael and Michelangelo had made a trip back to their home to get the essentials such as Donatello’s laptop, Raphael’s pet Chompy and his needed equipment, and Michelangelo’s pet cat Klunk and her necessities.

The room smelled of kitty litter and bark chips.

His eyes adjusted quick enough, he picked up his T-Phone from the desk to check his messages. April and Casey were being patient about the situation but Donatello was at least trying to keep April in the loop when he had the moments to do so.

He assumed Raphael was keeping Casey in the loop.

Sweet Chinchilla [Sunday, 05:58:54 PM]

_Any updates on Leo? Has he talked to you guys yet?_

Sweet Chinchilla [Sunday, 06:34:21 PM]

_I’m eating dinner, but I am free to take a call anytime tonight if you need it. <3 _

Sweet Chinchilla [Sunday, 10:55:02 PM]

_I have to go to bed but my phone is next to me. I love you._

Donatello [Sunday, 11:12:36 PM][sent][not seen]

_I’m going to bed now. He spoke with us, he took a sedative and is hopefully asleep right now. I love you too._

He plugged his phone into his charger, his hands shook so hard he scratched the finish around the charging port. It would buff out later. He could buff it out tomorrow.

Then his vision got blurry as tears formed in his eyes. He wiped them away frustrated because he needed to plug his phone in.

Another pair of hands took his phone from him and plugged it in before pulling him off the floor. Donatello was a limp rag doll as Raphael pulled him over the bed and whispered encouragement about getting in the middle for the night.

It was with warm blankets and two brothers trying to calm him that his tears turned into choking sobs and broken confessions about how he knew nothing about their current situation. How they had no leads and how Metalhead’s footage was giving them nothing.

Raphael and Michelangelo tried their best to soothe him. They rubbed his carapace and told him that tomorrow would be different. They tried to fill his head with lies about everything being okay with a little sleep while his heart felt ready to explode.

Nothing was okay.

* * *

‘This again?’ Donatello thought miserably.

He had often been able to lucid dream but this was getting out of hand. He looked down to see he was still in the middle of doing what he had been the last time he was in this place. Normally Donatello loves a strange dream to analyze. What the brain thinks up while asleep is a unique look into one’s own mind.

If he were to analyze this dream he wouldn’t know where to start. If he was trapped in this ravine as himself he might be able to relate this to a problem he cannot solve and how he feels trapped in it. Sadly there was a huge unknown in the fact that he wasn’t a mutant turtle in this dream.

He was consistently waking up as some sort of large wolf.

Donatello was not into the study of zoology much past turtles and tortoises. While he could have used his time awake to study wolves and dog breeds he had put it off believing he couldn’t possibly have the dream again.

His neck, chest, shoulders, and front legs were black. He had nothing reflective to see his face with so that was an unknown. His back, flanks, and hind legs were all white under a layer of dirt from digging and moving rocks. His tail was long black and bushy.

He was a male wolf of unknown species, and he was trapped in a ravine of unknown height.

There were simply too many unknowns.

So he began work on digging up half buried rocks and making a pile in the shallow end of the ravine. There were roots that would soon be in reach with enough rocks. He was still working out what he would do when he got a hold of the roots. Not that it really mattered, this was just a dream.

At some point before he had heard howling but whoever that was they must have not wanted to be near him. Donatello supposed perhaps that was for the better. He was very much trapped and if another animal jumped down here he would have nowhere to run.

As if thinking about it had summoned them, Donatello heard in the distance two distinct howls.

He lowered himself to the ground.

‘So there is a pack,’ he lamented silently.

One other wolf was a fight he might win but two or three were bad odds. This was a dream, and he was not used to fighting as a wolf.

The howling happened again and closer, but Donatello continued to stay silent. He almost hoped that whoever these other wolves are they would pass by the area. It wasn’t like two or more animals without opposable thumbs could really help him.

“Donnie!”

“Leo!”

His heart turned over, he would know those voices in any world.

“Raph! Mikey!” Donatello cried, bracing his front paws on the limestone sides of the ravine atop his rock pile.

His tail wagged back and forth at the thought of something familiar. Thankfully he managed to dream up his siblings. Perhaps because tonight he had cried in their arms and was currently sleeping snuggled between them.

“I’m in here! Don’t fall in!” he hollered, his voice echoing around the crevice.

Dirt dropped onto his face as two wolves stopped just at the edge. He had to close his eyes and shake his head to get the dirt off.

“Donnie?” Michelangelo asked.

“Leo?” Raphael asked.

“No that’s Donnie, look at those brown eyes. Are my eyes grey? Because yours are green, Raph. When we find Leo I bet his eyes will be that deep blue,” Michelangelo predicted.

“It’s me, Donatello,” he said, finally looking up at the unfamiliar faces of his family.

From his angle he could only see their necks, head, and front toes.

If Michelangelo was to be believed he was the wolf with the grey eyes, and Raphael was the wolf with the green eyes. Other than that they were completely identical from what Donatello could see.

“Hey! You have white pants!” Michelangelo exclaimed.

Donatello looked at his own back legs. He didn’t understand.

“You’ll see when you get up here genius,” Raphael said. “Mikey and I got back legs and like a white belt around our middles, but you have white back legs so you look like you’re wearing white high waist pants.”

“Yes, well perhaps our distinctions can wait until I am out of the ravine?” Donatello asked. “Usually I am able to control the people I dream up when I lucid dream like this but I guess now I need to ask.”

Michelangelo and Raphael shared a glance.

“What?” Donatello asked.

“We think this is something like the Dream Beavers,” Michelangelo said. “Because this is the fourth time I’ve woken up in this place as a wolf.”

“Same for me, and I ran into Mikey last time we fell asleep,” Raphael said. “We were going to talk about it when we were awake but-”

“Leo broke his arm,” Donatello finished. “We were all a bit distracted now weren’t we? I’m sorry, it’s just I find this all a little hard to believe until I correspond with Raph and Mikey while I am awake. I would still appreciate the help from you two in the meantime.”

Raphael and Michelangelo rolled their eyes.

“Typical,” Raphael grumbled. “You always gotta see something to believe it huh?”

“Yeah!” Michelangelo said, using his back leg to scratch behind his ear. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“Currently my sense of anything is stuck in this here ravine, Mikey,” Donatello snapped.

“Yeesh,” Michelangelo said.

Raphael stood up. “Okay, we’ll go look for something to help you up. Don’t go anywhere.”

“Funny,” Donatello breathed, now alone in the ravine.

A sense of dread wrapped around him like a snake making his chest hurt. Admittedly seeing his annoying brothers had given him a sense of safety he didn’t know he was missing. He was just grateful that his emotional state from when he was awake hadn’t carried over into his dream.

“You’re in a bed with Raphael and Michelangelo right next to you,” Donatello said to himself. “We’re all safe, this is just a dream.”

'And Leonardo is under the watchful eyes of Karai," he thought quietly.

He took a deep breath before laying down in the ravine. He would be okay.

Then thunder clapped in the distance, and the air was flooded with a smell that made his fur stick up.

* * *

Donatello sneezed three times in a row.

The storm had picked up very quickly and the ravine was flooded with muddy water. While standing it was halfway up his legs and ice cold. The rain was loud and the wind was howling. The weather had turned so fast. He remembered it being sunny the first time he had this dream and they were still in the same day as far as he could tell.

His mind grasped onto actual problems. While his dream self was standing in cold muddy water that wasn’t a real problem.

How Leonardo broke his arm was the real issue.

Or maybe they were related?

It was a ridiculous theory but something about what Michelangelo had said about eye colors made Donatello consider the unthinkable. If this was the Dream Beavers and they were all wolves in this strange world then hypothetically speaking Leonardo would be somewhere too. Could it be possible that Leonardo broke his arm as a wolf?

If the discomfort of standing in this cold water wasn’t enough to wake Donatello up, then was it possible that whatever magic that the Dream Beavers used was keeping dream events from waking them up? What woke them up was Metalhead’s alarm, not Leonardo’s sudden broken arm.

How long would Leonardo have slept without feeling his arm if Metalhead hadn’t been there? A thought Donatello couldn’t think about right then.

The theory did explain the strange wounds on Leonardo that Raphael had spoken about on Friday. When Donatello checked the logs he found no evidence that anyone had left The Lair. It had left Donatello to assume that Leonardo had another way out of their home that we didn’t want to disclose. That concerned him but he knew how stubborn their leader and new Sensei could be.

And if Leonardo was having these dreams it would make sense that he wouldn’t speak about them. Leonardo was a very private turtle.

There was a way to test this theory that did not rely on his eldest sibling’s word.

Donatello took his paw to his muzzle and dug his claws in making two distinct deep cuts. If he woke up with these cuts he would know that injuries that take place in this world were coming over to the real world and that would be how Leonardo broke his arm and possibly received the scrapes and bruises.

Blood, warm and smelly, dripped off his snout and into the upset water below him.

Now if Raphael and Michelangelo could hurry up and get him out of here.

* * *

“Donnie!” Michelangelo yelled over the roaring storm. “Over here!”

Donatello would have yelled at Michelangelo about how that end of the ravine was deeper but he could barely hear what his brother said and doubted his own ability to wail louder than the loudest brother.

Soaked and hoping Michelangelo knew what he was doing, Donatello sloshed through mid leg high water into the deep end. What if he had tick bites and was covering himself in the muddy water? This was the outdoors there had to be fecal matter and urine in this water. He was asking for an infection.

“Mikey I hope you know what you’re doing!” Donatello howled up at his brother.

“Now Raph!” Michelangelo yelled.

A huge spray of water slapped down on Donatello. He yelped out as the icy water doused his fur. He shook himself out and turned around to see a slide behind him leading up the shallow end of the ravine. The end of the slide floated on the water.

“Donnie come on!” Raphael yelled from the other and of the slide.

Donatello edged closer seeing now that this slide was a thick shell of tree bark. He tentatively put his front paws on it, sinking it under the water. When he looked up the steep but maybe manageable incline he saw Raphael and Michelangelo had their end of the bark ramp in their jaws.

Water streamed down the center of the ramp making it slippery but perhaps this was all a metaphor his mind made up. Perhaps the ramp represented the connections of family, his siblings literally using the bond to pull him out of his pit. The same way Raphael and Michelangelo in the real world had pulled him into bed for a cathartic sob.

He had claws, retractable claws. An odd characteristic for a wolf to have but one that makes climbing the slippery ramp possible. As long as he ignored the lack of physics at play here. Unless he was a very small wolf there was no way this bark slide would support him at all. His legs shook as the ramp wobbled. This body was unfamiliar and strange. He had little space to exercise it and before and realized now that when he gets out he should do that.

He might have the dream again.

With four paws finally on the ground Raphael and Michelangelo were jumping all over him and- and licking his face!

“Gross!” Donatello whined, stepping away and shaking his head of rain, blood, and brotherly dream saliva.

“Yeah, why did we do that?” Raphael asked over the rain pelting down on them.

“He’s bleeding, that’s why!” Michelangelo said, charging forward with his tongue out.

Donatello pointed his head towards the sky, thankfully taller than both Raphael or Michelangelo even as a wolf. “Mikey!”

“I have this need to lick your scratch bro!” Michelangelo whined, standing on his hind legs to get up in Donatello's face. “Sides maybe this way we’ll have something to talk about when you wake up to prove we aren’t a part of your dream!”

A crack of thunder scared the three of them into running towards a huge tree. Judging by the stripped section of bark with was where Raphael and Michelangelo got the makeshift ramp.

Not important now.

“We should find cover,” Donatello said.

“Yeah, we wouldn’t want to get wet,” Raphael sassed.

“Look, let’s say I believe you and this dream is shared and we will have it again. We should find cover for the next storm,” Donatello argued.

Since he had no sense of scale in this world he could not say how far the large branch that just fell proving his point was from the. Maybe twenty of his own body lengths away which was far too close.

“This way!” Michelangelo said, heading down the very slightly sloped terrain.

“Mikey wait!” Raphael called, trotting after him.

Donatello followed but kept his eyes towards the bending branches and his ears tuned for cracking. Thankfully his long wolf legs and body ran after his brothers effortlessly.

Then it occurred to Donatello that Leonardo had a broken arm, which here would be a broken limb. Wolves can not run on broken limbs and adapting to three limb running wasn’t a fast practice. Hopefully Leonardo wasn’t caught in the storm as well.

“Mikey this is worse!” Raphael yelled.

Donatello came up behind them a new sound greeting his ears. A roaring crowd? A growling wind? He couldn’t identify the strange white noise and rustling parchment paper noise he was hearing.

It was a rushing river.

While the rock bank of the river had less trees, this was not a much safer place to be. The ground here could cave in at any second and Raphael and Michelangelo were standing too close to the edge.

“Get back here!” Donatello yelled.

They didn’t seem to hear him.

‘Dammit,’ he cursed, going forward to yank on their tails.

His heart thrummed in his chest as he got closer to the river. How Raphael and Michelangelo weren’t scared of falling in was a mystery. The air smelled of danger. Everything did but the river was loud and being pelted with bullets of rain.

“Is that a turtle?!” Michelangelo yelled.

Donatello whipped his head across the river, spotting an algae green shell just as it was swallowed by the brown rushing water.

“Well, at least turtles can swim,” Raphael yelled with a sympathetic twinge to his voice.

The ground shifted and roots snapped. His brothers screamed as they all hit the water and then there was nothing.

* * *

Donatello shot up into the sitting position with Raphael and Michelangelo.

“Shit,” Rapheal panted, hand over his own heart. “Did we fall into the river?”

“Yeah and I’m totally gonna forget to hold my breath when I go to bed tonight!” Michelangelo whined.

Realizing he was safe in bed and not in a river, Donatello flopped back into bed and sighed. He put his hands over his face and just focused on how nice being dry and safe felt. Things he had been taking for granted.

“Doing alright Donnie?” Raphael asked, placing his hand on Donatello’s stomach.

“Yeah, you believe we're all in a dream where we're all wolves?” Michelangelo asked.

Donatello nodded. “Yes, I believe you,” he said. “But now I am eager to talk to Leo about this. If his arm is broken I don’t think he will be navigating as well as we are.”

Both Raphael and Michelangelo paled.

“Fuck…,” Raphael said, looking off at the wall.

“I guess that’s what we gotta do tomorrow night,” Michelangelo said. “I mean we’ll save Leo once we get out of the river of course.”

“That reminds me,” Donatello said, sitting up again. “Do I have a cut on my face?”

Raphael and Michelangelo studied him.

“Yeah but it’s like half healed,” Michelangelo said.

“And there’s blood on your pillow,” Raphael said, yanking the stained pillow out from behind Donatello.

“Interesting,” Donatello said, touching the still slightly damp stain.

‘Injuries in the dream come back with us,’ he concluded to himself.

Which sadly meant the river would hold real consequences.

The phone rang and Raphael was quick to pick it up.

“We’re coming!” Raphael said, slamming the phone down and running to the door. “Something’s wrong with Leo!” he yelled on his way out of their room leaving the door open.

* * *

Leonardo’s was in critical condition. He was coughing up water into a kidney dish while Donatello desperately tried to repair the ripped stitching in his brother’s right arm. Karai said Leonardo must have torn his bandages away, but the bandages and chest supports were all in place. The only evidence something was wrong was the blood spotting through the bandages.

That was mostly fixed now. They didn’t have anymore of his blood in the reserves they had used it all during surgery. Sadly Leonardo was not compatible with any of them. He had O negative blood which was great for Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo, but put Leonardo in a precarious spot if they ever ran too low on his own blood.

Believe it or not it is very difficult to get Leonardo to sit still for a blood donation. He does not like any medical procedures from Donatello which was why Master Splinter always did Leonardo’s physicals for him.

“Hold him steady,” Donatello ordered, almost finished with the last restitches.

Raphael didn’t say anything, just continued to try and hold Leonardo upright and still while he coughed and spit up dirty looking water into the kidney dish Michelangelo was holding.

“Okay, I’m done,” Donatello said, softly but loud enough that the male nurse on standby handed over the fresh dressings for Leo’s arm.

Hopefully with the precautionary antibiotic drip his brother wouldn’t open himself up for an infection.

Leonardo sucked in air between bouts of coughing up water. Donatello counted to sixty-two before his brother coughed up water again, but was caught off guard by the sound it made in the kidney dish. The container should be half full by now and he hadn’t seen Michelangelo move to empty it.

“I have a compound full of men and women who think of Leo as a legend for killing The Shredder,” Karai said as she came into the room. “Let one of them donate blood. I have no doubt they would consider it an honor.”

“It’s not that simple,” Donatello said, completely focused on his task of wrapping Leonardo’s arm up. “Mammal blood and reptile blood is different for one. And another issue is I know it would be very bad for us to give blood to a non-mutant, so I can’t imagine Leo receiving blood for a non-mutant would be safe.”

“He would demutate?” Karai asked.

“No, but his body might reject it and go into shock,” Donatello said. “And I would strongly suggest you don't use your Power of Attorney to try and overpower me on this unless you want your boyfriend dead.”

Karai was steely silent for a moment.

“I’ll be back with blood for Leo,” Karai said.

“Damn I wonder what she’s going to do?” Raphael asked, and Leonardo coughed again into the empty kidney dish. “Easy Leo, just keep coughing it up.”

“I’m not strapping his arm to his chest. I don’t want to hinder his ability to cough and his chest is no longer a stable resting place,” Donatello explained, placing Leonardo’s arm on a pillow on his lap under the kidney dish.

It was empty again.

“How are you emptying that so fast?” Donatello asked Michelangelo. “I need some of that for testing.”

“I’m not,” Michelangelo claimed. “It’s freaking evaporating.”

No, the room was at forty percent humidity. Even in a desert water would not evaporate within seconds.

“It’s true,” Raphael said. “I haven’t seen him empty it and even if he did, it’s bone dry.”

“Mr. Donatello,” the young male nurse behind him said. “Now that the patient is as stable as can be until Master Karai brings back more blood, would you like me to dress the cut on your face?”

Donatello stared at the young man, not more than twenty two years in age. Black, perfect skin, dreadlocks pulled back into a headband that perfectly matched his hospital scrubs. Would Donatello like the handsome young man to touch his face? Of course.

Sadly his brain just exploded with something else, halting his flustered mind.

“Raphael, we need to talk,” Donatello said, using Raphael’s full name so he knew not to argue.

“Johnathan,” he addressed the very handsome nurse. “If you could take Raphael’s place next to my brother I would appreciate it a lot.”

“Wait, what are you guys talking about?” Michelangelo asked.

“I’ll talk to you next Mikey,” Donatello assured while pulling Raphael off to the side of the room. “I don’t want Leo to be without one of us.”

Michelangelo seemed to accept that, turning his attention back to their coughing sibling as Johnathan took Raphael’s position supporting Leonardo in sitting upright. He flinched a little from the nurse but couldn’t defend himself from it before coughing again.

Donatello turned to Raphael now that they were by the recliners that Shini and Karai must have slept on last night.

“Leo is drowning,” Donatello said, plainly and without emotion because if he stopped to think about what he needed to say he was going to break down again. “The turtle we saw in the river before we woke up? I think that is Leo.”

Raphael shook his head. “No way, it was too small.”

Donatello frowned. “How would it be too small?” he asked. “We have no idea how large we are.”

“So what, in that dream place we’re the size of horses or some shit?” Raphael asked.

“And Leo got caught in that river,” Donatello said.

Raphael's point conflicted with his own about the bark slide, but there was something about the turtle and Leonardo's symptoms that he didn't want to waste time arguing the finer details.

“He can swim though,” Raphael argued.

“How well can he swim with a broken arm?” Donatello asked. He pointed to the cut on his face. “Speaking of which I think I know how Leo broke his arm.”

“How?”

“Metalhead’s footage didn’t lie, and our security system wasn’t tampered with. Leo broke his arm in that dream realm,” Donatello explained. “And he didn’t wake up from the broken arm, Metalhead’s alarm woke him up.”

“How would he not feel it?” Raphael asked.

“The same way I managed to cut myself in the middle of the dream and not wake up from the pain,” Donatello explained. “Karai and Shini woke Leo up because he was choking on water. Leo didn’t wake up even though he was drowning. If Metalhead hadn’t been on and in the lab he might have not woken us in time to save Leo.”

Raphael's mouth was slightly open now as he processed this crazy theory.

“I know this is crazy-,” Donatello began.

“No, it’s not crazy, but how do we fall asleep with him choking like that?” Raphael asked. “How will Leo fall asleep if he’s choking like that?”

Those were questions that Donatello wasn’t sure how to answer. He wanted to spare his brother the disturbing answer that Leonardo would eventually cough until he was so exhausted he would pass out. That would take a long time and be comparable to torture for their oldest brother.

“Can we sedate him? Then we all swallow some Ambien?” he asked.

“No, sedation isn’t sleep,” Donatello said. “I think part of the reason we couldn’t sleep while Leo was in surgery was because he wasn’t asleep either so some force stopped us.”

“Then how do we all go to bed at the same time?” Raphael asked.

Donatello looked over at Leonardo and Michelangelo, this all seemed impossible. “We can’t control that. But when we do get in the river we have one single objective and that is to save that turtle we saw.”

“Because it might be Leo,” Raphael said.

“Because it might be Leo,” Donatello repeated.

The double doors opened and Shini came in carrying a bag of blood. Donatello was quick to intercept.

“He can’t have that-,” Donatello began.

Shini jerked the bag away from him. “It’s Karai’s blood. She’s A negative and can be received by Leo who is O negative.”

“She’s a human-,” Donatello started until the realization hit him. “Unless you took the blood from Karai as a snake mutant?”

“Yes, what do you think I have been doing all this time but trying to keep Karai still enough in that form to get blood from her,” Shini snapped. “Here, one bag of mutant reptile A negative blood.”

Donatello cradled the bag of precious blood. “Thank you, Shini.”

“I would say no problem but actually it was a huge pain in the ass. She screeched at me the whole time! Very rude!” Shini huffed.

Raphael and Donatello shared a troubled glance. Snake Karai was not a stable mutant. She didn’t attack them anymore but she wasn’t entirely herself. What Shini had managed to do was a huge favor.

“Shin-Shini,” Leonardo coughed.

“Oh you look miserable,” Shini cooed, coming to take Michelangelo’s spot next to Leonardo. “It’s going to be a long day isn’t it?” she asked, taking a towel initial put down to catch water but was now dry to wipe Leonardo's sweaty forehead with.

“Doesn’t even flinch when she does it,” Michelangelo muttered just to Raphael and Donatello.

Donatello pushed the implications of that from his mind, and focused on getting this blood into Leonardo. Thankfully they still had the transfusion equipment in his room.

With the tasks slowly forming in his mind everything else faded away. The next day would be hell.

He never thought he would be eager to get back into that river, but now he just hoped he and his brothers still had the chance to save Leonardo before it was too late.


End file.
